Remember Me

I want to be noticed, understood, or at least remembered.

I hope so much if I were gone something I did or had would be dug through or analyzed for something important. My files each read and pondered; labeled 'sad' or 'searching' or 'hopeful'; my pictures labeled 'alaska', 'colorado', 'michigan visit', my videos 'sentimental', 'real', 'ridiculous'.

I've been something like desperate for brothers.

My nephew saw pictures and videos of me and Zack and asked if that was my best friend and in a moment I ran through every emotion I've had toward him and without hesitating I said 'yeah'.
I see he's loved me more than any friend.

My bones weep for the thing I've rejected. I had hope but it's long since passed.
I've borne a weight that was never given me and I cling tightly to it, singing songs of despair.
Disrepair.

But oh, how he loves me. It pours, showers on me in endless streams of life. In magnificent colours and light it keeps me clear and balanced in motion.

I seek emotional highs and excitement to feel a thrill of adrenaline or danger, a sense of something. But solidarity of position and foundation, knowing that no matter what I'm here, I'm okay. And that's all. That's everything.

That's all there is. There isn't anymore.

I'm Frankenstein's monster
with a will to live
and the wits to do so.
What I seem to lack is the means
resources I cannot seem to find
or purpose that still eludes me.
Seek ye first the Kingdom of God
and his righteousness,
And all these things
shall be added unto you.
So purpose.
Find the kingdom.
The kingdom's in me.
The temple, it's comings and goings,
it's instruments, it's purpose, measures,
fundamentals all Basally, Basically me mine and ours.
His. How he loves me. How he built me.
It's up to every man to build his house but let him take heed how he builds.

Remember ME, O son!
Remember MY eyes!
Remember MY Writing!
What Have I written on your heart?!
The Way! The Truth! The Life!
Your Being! O, love Behold the Truth
of Faithfulness.
Be ye vapor, and be ye whole.
Be ye transient, and hold nothing
but water, air, and light.
Ye are as mist,
made of dust and love.
Created! Not undone!
I have started you
I have finished you
I HAVE CALLED YOU GOOD
My most BLESSED work
I adore you, my sweet. Adore you.
I look to you and I hone you.
I shower you with kisses day and night
and day. Hold close, pull near,
Sweet with me
remain here
in rest.

I made you for a cause
a tool with special purpose
keep walking, hoping (you do believe in it)
for the prize.

But father who I have loved?

I made them all.

What have I sought for?

I put that within you.

I ran from you!

Son, you ran to me.

  -  here I cry  -

Son, you must understand that it's all mine
and that you're in it deep.
You don't come up short when you go for something
(no matter what it is)
you simply find a redirection in me.
You are whole.
And will not, can not miss me. You are not capable of it.
So have joy!
For I'm here!
And there!
And that's all.
And there is so much more.

I'm real. I've believed for a very long I was, but it hurt me every day, so that wasn't it. Then I thought I was broken, and I just floundered in pieces. And now I'm a flying fish in a boat on a sea that's in His eyes. No matter where I go or how I do it, why I've had to, or how I justified, I am not apart from Him for His is Everything, and everything is His. Glory be to God.

Focus

God gives us pictures. Satan gives us images. The difference being that one is an impression of truth and one a concrete certainty of truth, but a lie.

I just watched 127 Hours and I couldn't react. "what'd you think of the movie?" my brother-in-law asked. "i don't wanna talk about it" was all I could say. it left me hollow. unfeeling. I went up to the kitchen and had chocolate ice cream in the dark. it left me thinking that I don't DO anything, not really. What's a do? Rockclimbing. Spelunking. Hiking. Camping (I can hardly setup a tent). Skiing, sledding...I walk. So I guess a do is getting outside. Something with fresh air and . experience.
we remember movies, kinda. We download music to match our scenes with a soundtrack. We watch our shows and have nothing to show for it. We school to get a degree and learn stuff we'll never use, getting up to our eyes in debt to do it. We buy stuff to decorate our homes that we won't own and probably can't leave to our children. Nothing lasts. Nothing counts - drinking, laughing, more work, better work, different work, that extra bowl/plate/bite of whatever . it's all gone in a moment.
so I'm contemplating faith. faith for freedom from that bite. for freedom to have the bite. all in service of me.

a wind of change from the east.
propulsion encircles and pulls me home, inspiration, fulfillment, belief.
Strategy, wisdom - wisdom of the ages.
i wish I was braver, or prettier, or just happy. I declare the power of the lord to do the things I've always dreamed. I've waited for them to begin, to be handed to me, but i can really do anything. havering, faithfulness, you faithful one. i love you. You've permitted confidence to be transplanted. Disgust, replaced by ... renewal. disgust is for a thing deemed unworthy, wasted, rotting, passing, stagnant, dying. But Renewal, ah, rejuvenation. My skin, my heart, my bones, my eyes, my trees, my stars. Discovered a new world all my own, never before explored - and every heartwrenching yearning, all the desires and frustrations of captivity are simply vanished, as if they never were. so my heart says 'do this' or 'no, please' and I do or I don't or I do anyway because I can't not, but I'm okay! I'm Okay! I'm better than okay, I'm really great.
Free to dance
free to sing
free to be mad for my king
because he's set me up
on solid ground .. ?
I try to seek him in the ways I choose - finding him where I've walked.
But how about to follow him?! to run where he runs! I want that: this the cry of my heart!
Love, o loveless!
take Heart, o heartless!
There's a redeemer who's taken interest, he's shown his breath, and it is love, wonder, truth and peace to be me and be free! to be free!
All of who I am has been built with purpose. musculature, bones, bits, eyes, hair, abilities, propensities, lights, tears, triumphs, overcomings, and even my disgracies, just bits of fluff to fill the stuffed animals I give as gifts to my children, bless them.