Being Real? Beans.

I jus' gotta be real. I'm in a place of decision. Where am I going, what do I want, will I give up my life for it? If I don't now, I can later, but the time...has been spent proving something I already know. Cut out the middleman and move direct.
What does my spirit want? More spirit.
What does my soul want? Satisfaction.
Where does the 'my' come into it? I am not my own, but I am governed by the hand of the one who made me. Have I not prayed 'not my will but yours be done'?
I am free to choose to run and play or stay and study, to hang with friends or work the fields. I am free to make up things to satisfy me or I can go to the source and find out what satisfies Him, because his heart's for me! What does he desire for me?! What magnanimous things! The dreams I've dreamt are all mine because He thought of them first! He dreamed them up! Travel? Yes! Alone? Probs not. Success? That idea is earthbound. Everything's life in God, so yes! There is no falling short and nothing missed because He has enabled me to do everything i want to do. It's just a matter of season.
My soul has been a runaway big dog, but now it is being trained, being pulled into line. I'll ignore it when I must, and apply discipline where there has been none.
...
I don't know what to do. This a matter of doing or not doing, inaction. I keep invoking God to break this, destroy this, destroy me.. if I can just get closer to you, God. I'm dimly aware I'm speaking of mindsets and limitations, of the edges of my faith where God Almighty becomes this gray light in the mist. Write, cruise, teach, learn french, get a degree, get married, save the world. Break me to pieces, God. These questions are stupid and I don't think anyone knows me. Enough. To see something worthwhile....
...
Here's a fissure between what I need and what I want. Not even what I want or desire, but what I want to do, like that's some big idea separate from God and his plans. What I need is God - I don't breathe without him. But taking him for granted like air, I have become accustomed to His mundane presence. ...
Something has changed lately, some sort of promise, flame, has come alive, so I'm at the cusp where the crunched up paper is giving up it's will to the sheer heat around it, the second where it drops it's last touch of moisture, the last defense, and lets go. There's an instant of transition there from what the paper was to what it will become, and that inevitably. Once in the fire you cannot come out unchanged.
I cannot worry about the future, what I will become, all I can do ever is trust that God is. He does what he says. It's not convincing myself he's real and reciting the things I've heard, none of this anymore. He just is. And I'm with him. That said, to worry about the future is to remove myself from him. It's like when you're on a spiritual high and you're experiencing the moving holy spirit as something you couldn't explain. You love it and want it to last forever but the second you think you might lose it it begins to dissipate and then you just sort of freefall out of it. But God and his presence are constant and consistent. We doubt that we can be high all the time because we spend so much time NOT high. But why aren't we high minded? If all my thoughts are stayed on God, am I not with him? Will the eyes of my heart not be opened to who he really is? If I'm willing to put off title, precedence, popular idea, and move with the spirit then I am with him. The emotional, semi-physical high is a sign of his presence, but the faithful don't need signs because they have Faith. They live on something else, yearn for something else, require something other.
...
I believe in God, and that belief has no limits. I speak that which is not as if it were, in faith that it IS and is coming to pass. I don't care whether you believe in God or not. I'm  not going to argue with or convince you of anything. All I can do is witness what has happened in my life and how it could not have come any other way.  I could never help myself, I could never use witchcraft to achieve hopeful ends, I could never lift myself out of a hole I couldn't perceive. But God, life, love, grace, has lifted my head.
For all I complain (less and less), I am a Son of Faith, called in order to uphold and take on the robes of Righteousness, those tailored to suit this spirit. In assuming this position, I receive an eyesight that saves me daily from terror and destruction because it sees the heart of my Father: purpose in all things.

Amen Amen

Purging Fire, Burning Pyre

The reason and purpose for this baptism (fire) is to give the power of this pursuit from the zeal and passion of G-d for His house to purge continuously, purify eternally, and be expectant perpetually. It will surely divide rightly with clarity with what fire we are of, for the day will manifest it.  

[[The baptism into fire enables (gives power to) this pursuit (power traded from God’s stock of Zeal and Passion) for us to Purge Continually, Purify Eternally, and Expect Perpetually. It divides rightly and clearly what fire we are of, because the light manifests it]]

We do burn, but with what fire? 

Ischus is the wind for the flame, dunamis is the the ignition. I've received this baptism [to whelm, to cover wholly with fluid] unto fire - the purifying flame; strengthening, powerful, inducing.

Losing myself to the fire doesn't make me any less holy or without God - it makes plain where the Lord is winnowing my flesh. The smoking furnace and burning lamp are a testimony of His faithful pursuit. My temple's been a mess, but he erects a pyre and burns up the junk so there won't be any more money changers in this temple.  

Burn up my idols! 

I was convinced today that I couldn't be faithful - that I must put off those I've known as 'faithful' and be off, lose myself or die. Quick, that. Rather than leave it at this, I look at the rationale that led me to this conclusion: What so moved me that this sovereign King, Son of God, would abdicate his throne and take his own life? 

It was all how I saw; how I did the job, how I relate to those I'm with, how I can earn my place in God. I was lied to, quiet while a snake whispered in my ear. Be active, Man! Zakar! Remember who you are! Stand on the Word, Jesus, and be affirmed. It's never a matter of circumstance; it's a matter of position in relation to the light: are you looking to the light or gazing on your shadow?

I

m just 

here

to watch the fireworks.

I watched my shadow today, when, immediately and without my knowledge, I was talking to God about it.  I was crying out to him that I couldn't complete what I was trying to do - it was brought on by the works of my hands, painting, but the issue was tied to my heart. I saw the pain of my association in an entirely different light, and praised God for being faithful. I moved from the outer court to the inner, and back again, smoothly. A first, I think. 

And all of this, the thoughts, emotions, ties, perceptions, reactions, rejections, false images, all the stuff that makes me a man and a sinner are nothing to God in light of Christ. Because I receive him and the measuring of the depth of my redemption, my heart is turned, uprooted, washed, planted and tended, harvested, separated, burned, made clean. The pure was always there, is always here, but it's the fire that destroys the stuff that can't stand up to the Word. There is more to me than there used to be because I bear witness to active display of God's recreation in me. Ha! He's re-created me, and recreates here too. He likes fireworks, so increasingly, I let his fire work. He's always known his work was Love for me, I just couldn't see it. 

A vessel of light

of honor dishonor

of pain patience and practice

of glory and fruition

judgment and fluidity

of friction and purification

an open demonstration of 

power. 

I am measured and 

not found wanting. 

little lies grab my attention

I give it (to) a-way,

a different way,

my choice.

Until I step into 

the Great Fire of the Lord

where everything around me burns

and I cry out to the Strong One

who reminds me he's with me

and that what I've been hoping in

was dead and dry-

perfect fuel for fire.

His water rushes over me

reviving my lips and eyes

and I see him and speak him

and he's everywhere

and everyone

and I move through the garden again

Thank God for pressure and high heat that shows us what burns and what we're made of.