Tongues of Fire

27.10.12

I sat in the dark and was filled and bullied with winds inside me. I lifted my head upward and yelled and I flew into pieces.

I was wracked with emotions: big slimy ones and huge red slippery ones, enormous green heavy things.  I couldn’t handle them. I was filled with helium that was rocking and needed attention.  I sat down and lifted up my hands. My head broke open and a wind and smoke came in, pushed apart my halves and sifted out the debris in me. I confessed I wasn’t my own, even the thoughts the emotions stemmed from were not me. The smoke passed over my hand and left bullets, teeth, small bones. And the emotions were lifted. 

There was still weight. I was cracked open again and a giant tongue slid into the crevasse, past my brain and heart to the center of me where things start. The tongue was warm and it filled me – I was an ear and it was speaking to me. I could hear his voice. The tongue became fire and burned and burned – it remained and was lit on the oil of me. 

I was rocking and couldn’t shake something. A voice began in my core and from the roots of the earth, it grew in a steady roar that shook the room, the world, it was my voice and the sound of everything and it developed into the words ‘YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW STRONG MY LOVE IS’.

Light Breach

How, then, do I become conscious? Theories abound and people make it up when they have no idea. I’ve tried meditation, drugs, yoga, new religion, discipline, nature, free-love, aggression, self-mutilation, deja-vu, past regression, hypnosis, séance, information dissemination, skydiving, risking my life, adrenaline, tattoos, alcohol, women, work, money, men, friendship, hardship, war, research, philosophy, action, inaction, food, humanitarian efforts, psychology, psychoses, loss, gain, wealth, stars, planets, crystals, running, swimming, digging, building, cleaning, organizing, meeting people, starting projects. At this point I felt my world narrowing because I was exhausting everything I could think of yet wasn’t waking up – where are answers? Who has them? Someone must. I couldn’t be alone in this ever-shrinking idea of life or satisfaction. I could tell if I kept going on like this the transition to outside the diminishing circle would kill me. I’d have to get the directions to just... find myself out there in free space. Is that cheating? To skip the work? Can you do that? New pursuits, ruination, eastern religions, art, poetry, fashion design, buying things. I couldn’t stop and I was reaching the end of me – where haven’t I looked? The whole world; there’s nowhere left. Vandalism theft, prison, insanity, hurt, children, marriage, assault, divorce, depression, hate, rebound love, fire-walking, fire eating, brick-oven pizza. 

I went to the park and sat on a bench. Head empty, ears ringing with screams of loss, dissatisfaction, the improbable and the impossible. A man sat next to me and the voices died. I awakened to the park, the sound of leaves and birds, the sun on the grass. I swear it was the first breath I had taken in years. I looked to my right at the middle-aged man with a beard in need of shaving. He saw me looking. “Beautiful day, huh?” he said. His voice popped up on the ‘huh,’ indicating I could only agree. It took a second but I croaked out a yes. He smiled small and turned to look at me, his eyes kind and blue. He just saw me for a minute and then he blew my mind.

“Life isn’t hard, we just think it is because we think we can get it wrong. We think by changing others, or our circumstances or habits we can find peace, but that’s like picking the apples and expecting oranges next time. Then we blame the tree for not meeting our expectations – blame ourselves, others for our dissatisfaction. You have to start with good ground and the seed you want – then focus every good thought and action on its growth and cultivation and in no time you’ll have what you desire. Merely setting yourself toward this end will occupy you and make you well because you’re moving, doing consciously the thing you are meant to do, that is: actively choosing the life you live. Then everything , Every Single Thing will feed the seed and the tree will be beautiful and fruitful and it will be yours; will be you. But nothing can happen before its time. Attention is the only thing you have – not resources, funds, time – all that depletes or has human valuation or doesn’t exist – you don’t know how much time you have. All you have is where you fix your eyes. Are you reaching toward the light?”

Who I was Made

I was ________ but God made me whole.

What fits there for you? Anything you thought of yourself - every good, terrible, weak, sincere noun or adjective; every successful, lame, or incredible verb you did; every thoughtcrime against the Father that brought you down or filled you up is Nothing compared to the identity you have in Him.

I was faulty and proud but God made me whole.

See them and put them off, because yesterday is gone. Your successes and failures, accomplishments and torments, your debts and your sins are all forgotten by God. You are just loved, and that's everything.

I was scared and slow to act but God made me whole.

All my works and brownie points are nothing. I might remember them, but that's all they are. I can't say anything for certain about tomorrow or even tonight except 'Lord willing...', so all I hold is right now. I can no longer put off the right time, the right hour or day to do this thing that is in me and at hand. There's a time for everything, and this moment is meant to be at peace in God, finding out His heart. Then my doings aren't my everything, important as the world and gone in a flash.




face me
turn to the light
be uplifted
and come up here.
free heart
you're loved
i've got you
be still.

Listen Here

Do you think everything has a voice?
Cabinets, carpets, trees, a house's face. The bible says the rocks cry out.
Do you think anything can speak?
I imagine that everything has something to say, people waste their voices, but assuming every object has a purpose, what better way for that purpose be illuminated than for the very steward of that purpose to talk about it? I'm not saying I want to chat with a lampstand. If my purpose is to live and grow thicker, bolder, and more colorful (in Life) here, then I can grow. The same way a detective can read and perceive a truth and move with his gut in pursuit of his end, perhaps if we learned to listen in a new way, we could never be without sustenance, purpose, and innovation. I see the perceiving of these sounds as a stillness of the soul, like a pool which grows in content and depth when a thing is deposited in it. If your pool is rocky, you won't notice anything else coming at you because it's lost in the ruckus. But if you're quiet in spirit, the sounds and ripples will give the thing away. Things are slipping into your pool every day; do you know it?

Either objects are given a voice or someone is speaking through them. The voice is speaking of experience, life and direction, or lamenting its fear, destruction, and sadness. Who's speaking where and to what end? If Expansion is speaking, then I am illuminated and so I grow. If close-mindedness is speaking, I'm held down and hate it, but think myself safe. What will I hear of? I lean less on the lesser voice because I have been shown it's not prosperous, though at one point I thought it was.
My faith isn't airy-fairy (my new catch-all term for a sort of hippie reception - indiscriminate might be more appropriate), it's expanding to perceive more of god and life. I've been stuck in a mindset so I wouldn't move but God's endlessly expanding and moving, so I must learn to move like a greased wheel.
Life as energy. Given that everything in a room has energy (a temperature, a flammable mass, nutrients for things to grow in), then the energy of god is thrumming through all things. Sedentary, propelled, wet, hot, or mangy, he's close and literally coursing all around me - through me ... he is me. I am God. This is the oneness that all wise people speak of: the immersion of the self, thoughts, actions, emotions, all life, into a giant pool of consciousness where all things are shared and true and Justice is equal for everything. Step into the pool and be healed because everything in it is whole.

In life, Christianity for the most part sees do's and dont's and doesn't care to pursue a higher life. Many of them look for a better way because the seed within them hopes (earnestly expects) for consummation with the spirit, but their vision is limited because they are interested only in what they have and what comes next.  They're not present. Hippies perceive the life of spirit and move in it but do not submit to the structure and clarity that gives our life here.Though more easygoing than most Christians, (I'm generalizing) they have few boundaries and aren't lawful enough in their pursuit. God is balance - all love and all direction, where direction is the law of his word. He is missed when the law gets heavy, because there's nothing heavy about Life and Grace and Peace. You can't keep the law, you can observe and maintain it to the best of your ability. From there you grow. You're not expected to keep it; he hopes you'll look for increase because the law is a way providing clarity in a mess of detail and circumstance. It declares the simple truth when a bevy of other cries bombard you with other justified and less true truths. So just be you. Don't put on, or lie, beat around the bush, or water things down. Bring it out like it's moving in you - anger, frustration, uproarious joy. Or don't. They're only circumstances, and if we're truly in God, then the people who get offended right out of my life aren't partaking of the grace that I'm learning to drink of.
It's about being present and growing up and down, side to side, glory to glory, because God just keeps on raining down.  He dwells outside of time and we get hitched up in it. I won't lament for the person who'll be leaving in a month because I have them now. If it comes down to it I can call, email, skype, facebook, or let the world know with a tweet that I miss their body and am glad they're somewhere they need to be right now.
There's no distance in spirit anyhow. Pray for me, and your desire for my presence will be lessened because we're in the same pool. So I'm grateful for everything roundabout me and all the inner workings of the spirit. I am empowered to move in Grace, because God has propelled me into my next steps and those are never without Christ.
This is all about receiving, the willingness to open up to whatever might be higher and better than myself. I am closed when I think I'm good just as I am. I am good, and whole, and if secure in this state I'm prohibiting my expansion of self into something I haven't yet perceived. There are two levels here: the natural and the spiritual. In the natural, my steadfastness is a planted-feet I've-come-this-far-and-so-am-strong mentality. In the spiritual realm, this security is founded in the Lord and instead of digging in to stop something I am able to stand and receive whatever will stick. Receive of whatever comes at you and be sure the Lord will sort it out. We dedicate so much energy to determining what we'll receive that we waste ourselves and staunch our growth because we think we know exactly what we need. I don't know how God looks. My faith is growing that he approaches me in a multitude of ways I haven't yet seen, considered, or been open to.
So if the walls start speaking to me of life, I won't be surprised.