Freedom Christ

Who was Jesus ... is, sorry, who is Jesus.

The very name of Jesus has become so spiritualized and such an idol that we forget he was a man – like you and I – that he was tempted in EVERY WAY – like you and I – and that he somehow knew no sin. So what did he know? I want to know that.  Does CCU offer a class in that? Does Church?

God’s real. Who knew?

In EVERYTHING we’re under one of two masters: God or Satan (who's not God). Not-God has a stranglehold on all we know because he sits by the womb to consume men, so we serve him and the world and people and toil by the sweat of our brow until we hate and feel so thoroughly we’d never believe there could be another way. But Grace is to go free: Grace is to Change. I don’t have to remain what I have been. Or rather, I don’t have to remain who I have associated myself with. Satan told me I was gay. Then I said so. By my own confession I moved into this mode of living that changed my stature, my perception of my relationship with my dad, my ability to have male friends, the very things I thought I could be good at. Simply by adopting that frame of mind, that perception of WHO I AM, all my world turned into something pre-fabricated. Well, until something told me otherwise.
Perception is all of life: your boss tells you to do something and you get punchy because you don’t want to OR you do it gladly because YOU’RE THERE TO DO WHAT HE TELLS YOU. There’s life everywhere and we find ourselves outside of it more often than not because of the eyesight we've taken on. God's way is peace, and when you don’t have or can’t find peace – there you are. Located. So where is peace in those situations? God doesn’t vary -  he isn’t moved by your hellegiance. (I made that myself) He’s wroth with Satan whom you (I) have taken up with, and he comes to destroy Satan and his minions whenever we cry out. So he comes with fire to separate us from his/our enemies and we think he’s killing us because we so find ourselves in these things. Example:

Me: I’m gay.

Father in Faith: No you’re not.

Me: … No really.  Quite gay.

FiF: Mmm No. I mean, you can be if you want to, but why let that rule you?

Me: Rule me? I can’t help it! Why would anyone ever choose this?

Fif: Different reasons. What we choose is arbitrary; freedom is universal.

See the offense there? Rather than drawing out understanding from a man I trust with my life I sit and dig my heals in. All it takes is a ‘what do you mean?’ with a desire to know GOD (read: my self, freedom,peace, gentleness, longsuffering, spirit of self control, etc.).  God Is. Hence: I Am. So what are we? Small and temporal, wormy, disgusting, really really base? Uh...maybe. But Jesus died for us, so we're not that bad. He also called us brothers. God calls us his children. Since when can a father despise his children without first despising himself? Does God despise himself? I think not. My point is that he’s closer and lovinger than we have capacity for. But that’s why faith grows.

Tongues of Fire

27.10.12

I sat in the dark and was filled and bullied with winds inside me. I lifted my head upward and yelled and I flew into pieces.

I was wracked with emotions: big slimy ones and huge red slippery ones, enormous green heavy things.  I couldn’t handle them. I was filled with helium that was rocking and needed attention.  I sat down and lifted up my hands. My head broke open and a wind and smoke came in, pushed apart my halves and sifted out the debris in me. I confessed I wasn’t my own, even the thoughts the emotions stemmed from were not me. The smoke passed over my hand and left bullets, teeth, small bones. And the emotions were lifted. 

There was still weight. I was cracked open again and a giant tongue slid into the crevasse, past my brain and heart to the center of me where things start. The tongue was warm and it filled me – I was an ear and it was speaking to me. I could hear his voice. The tongue became fire and burned and burned – it remained and was lit on the oil of me. 

I was rocking and couldn’t shake something. A voice began in my core and from the roots of the earth, it grew in a steady roar that shook the room, the world, it was my voice and the sound of everything and it developed into the words ‘YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW STRONG MY LOVE IS’.

Nano 2011 - Part II

Nano Part II. Heart-born and super-random writings from National Novel Writing Month 2011.

I indulge in love and ecstasy because to partake of the bitter stuff is retarded. All I have is my presence (now!) with the Father. Why be elsewhere when He's all 'Come and Hang! We'll be awesome and shiny and play Halo, or Skyrim if that's more your thing. Then we'll play The Game of Things and go to the park and fall asleep on the grass. We'll start pouring a foundation because construction is REALLY COOL TO SEE  and really satisfying and then next time you can help. We'll plant some stuff, and we'll learn about light refraction and I'll show you how to see it and we'll talk to people and more people because everybody has so much light in them. I'm SO EXCITED TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU, I love you so much. It really never gets old. Even when you're pissed, I like just being with you. The fact that I can melt your heart doesn't hold a candle to the fact you let me."

___________

Who are you? What do you have? We want people to see and know us for who we are, but we don't consider ourselves likeable and so we make real the crap life that's in our heads. You are actually limitless. Without sin there's no space between you and God; do not leave room for unbelief to enter in. When you're one with Him there's opacity, and so capacity for all your dreams. He's the magic-mist that creates something from nothing. But He's always like that - it's you who chooses to spark the change. So be open, heart. Be loved, because you are. Tread surely because you're not alone or lost. If you find yourself outside of Him, get back in Him! He wants you and you want Him. He's not going to turn his face from one he loves; he's not a fickle man, he's a Spirit of Faith that all is in Him and all is Good. So go to those who have Him, those who stay in true faith longer than you do. Humble yourself (as in: don’t be proud) to say 'I am in need...' and He will meet you.

____________

I'm a fearsome beast, right?

Like, ferocious and virile.

I cause your adrenaline to pump

and I make you sweat a little.

Super strong, such strength, you think,

and you're right: I'm totally buff.

But I'm also a kitten,

a huge, sexy kitten,

like Jacob from Twilight but better

because I'm real.

Aawooooooo.

See what I did there?

We should totally date.

______________

Last week I had a hard day at work. Nothing and everything and all in my head, do or don't do, fix, fall, and fail. I wanted to die on my way home, the voice in my head granting me images of my gory demise. The latest instalment featured me slamming my head repeatedly into a cement wall, dragging my face across the gradation. Rather than succumbing to this, I pulled my knuckles over it as I walked. I felt the burning, pictured the tearing flesh, hoped I was leaving blood. Any of this better than destroying my face, my head, my life. I felt it, and didn't feel it, knowing that something other than my body was going through an experience. In ruining my knuckles I was trying to save myself, the lesser of two evils. But if I had voiced my concern, laughed in the face of fear, damnation and murder, I could have gone free. Satan is just that: finished.  He has no strength or form, is uncreative, and hides because he doesn't even have faith in himself. He thinks God'll fail; he's not quite sure. But God doesn't fail. He plans and executes His plans. When I don't believe He will, I side with the other and am antagonist to all my best interests, to the very spirit of life. But Grace and Love for this. I am not cocooned into loneliness or delusion. I am not disillusioned or inconstant. I am Strong and Mighty, Prehensile because God has told me beforehand what is coming for me: for my growth, for the unleashing of my potential, for the realization of what he made me to be. The Who He made me. To take on Christ and become Him.

___________

Aletha could have been entertaining, she had the wit for it, but she was only ever dour, and kind of spoiled things. Bernie was terrific with imitations and became a banker and pro-bono mime. Chan sat for hours alone in the library and became the local authority on dragons. Deanna ate her way through the candy machine's stale food and opened a Curves downtown. Effie published two scientific journals on the lifecycle of moss in Colombia, one book of poetry that was not well received, and four best-selling books of erotic fiction. Gerard was expelled from graduate school for a loss of composure in one of the labs and was later discovered to have an inoperable brain tumour.  Henri became a criminal lawyer and has two kids.  Irena got by for years stealing cars out of wrecking yards until she was caught, defended by Henri in court, and imprisoned on 12 misdemeanor counts for 8 years. Julio became a missionary to Ghana and lost a child to Typhoid. Karl started an alternative chemical-free food dye business with Lance and they were wildly successful until it was discovered their ingredients were mined from deposits of lard in east Germany that turned out to be mass graves. MaryAnn set up a federally subsidized make-up/self-improvement homecare project helping disabled lady-veterans in three states. Norman dresses up like an extra-gaudy flapper (among other things) and sings showtunes to sell-out crowds in the city. Ophelia was cast in a survivor reality tv show and became a semi-finalist but had to drop out because she got heat stroke in the desert challenge. Pennie broke both femurs in a championship roller derby and can't walk up stairs anymore. Quinn has a son and a small church on the west-end. Rose designs and sells her own shoes at a boutique on the Ave. Shanell was on that cruise ship that ran aground in the Bahamas a couple years ago.  Teal has been struck by lightning a record 8 times. Udell killed a family of four in a drunk driving accident and turned himself in. Victoria became a park ranger and stayed single. Weston died trying to scale the world's tallest tree. Xion is a Rabbi at the largest temple in the state. Zuette's actions directly assisted rescuers in the liberation of hostages when that terrorist cell took over the capitol.

_____________

Pruitt, understand this: when I say you're bigger than that, I don't mean your size. When I tell you there's more to consider: try thinking outside of the box. When I tell you that you have the capabilities and capacity to do any and every single thing: believe me and ask how. When you are discouraged, you can still come to me. When I am discouraged, know that you can still come to me. Things aren't the way you think they are; they're much more than that - purer, stronger, and simpler. It's not your circumstances that move you, but your heart inside. I am True, and you and I are made in the same image, so you are True.

______________

   Dearly beloved, we spend our lives sitting on our hands and talking big talk. We do little to motivate those around us, and anyone who stands is odd. Anyone who begins to shake feeling back into his hands is seen as a rebel. Anyone who produces something with his hands is dangerous and should be feared.

   I followed the example of some of those free-handers, lifting and shaping, and it was incredible. I couldn't understand how I had been immobile for so long, but now the joy in the work! We sing together, and I grow strong. And then I wouldn't keep up with them anymore; they kept moving and producing and I stopped. I stopped walking and put my hands in my pockets. They keep going forward and I turn to the left and go that way. Hands subdued, but no longer dead, eyes opened, but hardly seeing, I come to a field and feel the glow of the sun. The tall grass sways and speaks in the gentle breeze. The furrow in my brow relaxes and I drop my tight shoulders, arms at my sides. I draw it in. Clean air, brilliant colour, the radiance of Life. I couldn't see it from my chair, I couldn't see it while I was labouring, but I can see what I can see now, just for now. It's lovely.

_____________

I'm not too far from this, teary eyed and disobedient. I stand and listen for the rainclouds to come a-rumbling, though I never learned which clouds mean what. I've tuned out the taste of idiocracy and reach and gather for something a little stronger, nightshade, tiger lilies, Egyptian lilies. I'm a trumpeter swan, pounding beautiful notes of triumph and intrigue. I know where I'm going and I make up the next step up as I proceed. It's creative, it's unending. It can never be other than what it is, and here I find peace. You've turned your face to me and I see it in silhouette. You've a glorious, fire-made mane in this moment and again I remember being young and incited to riots - aloof under administration, poignant on my own. I came into bounds and lost something, and learned something, and am somewhere in between now, not lost but feeling like it, unsure and unsteady because everybody sides one way or the other. But I'm not like them, I'm not like you. I'm unlike anybody. Not a unique snowflake but something purposed. I've known it forever and I fought it and I tried to fit in and I lost my mind because I could never be what I am not. I know this now. So what's the frustration? I'm turning to a new master. and at a crux where I intentionally act upon the gracious heavensent life given me. I'm not a loser, I'm not gonna give up. My Truth has been written. My future is established. I walk and step in the footsteps before me.

Definition; Empowerment

The power is yours

honour and glory

and power

and power

and highlights

and starts

and tributaries

and strength through

weathery storms

and      

    the seed –

the conception –

you could carry on

in the midst of adversity –

Could even win.

You press a cool stone against my

forehead with your palm and say shh,

your fingers resting lightly in my hair,

your eyes closed.

Praying, maybe.

You gave me that stone, and whatever

was written on it, I never saw,

became part of me. I carry it everywhere.

I've been spirit lately - a three-day image of a hollow me, all colorfully pixellated edges, fading from this plane. It takes me from myself and allows me to stand up straight and be light. I remember this physicality is not everything, the end, or anything for that matter, so I walk about blessed because I'm in Him. It started with a paragraph I wrote a friend:

Jars of clay has a song called ‘Boys’ which is amazing. Their whole ‘The Long Fall Back to Earth’ album is very good. One of the lines in Boys is ‘not to undermine the consequence, but you are not what you do.’ You are a product of God’s faith, made by Him, for Him, like Him, and so Him. There’s no distance between you and him, between me and him, between you and I, because the spirit is IN us. We are IN GOD, so GOD. I am Creative because he is creative; I am able to do miracles because the world has no hold on me; I am strong because He is strong; I can love because I am loved; I AM IN LOVE. As long as we think we can fall away from him, we do. Thanks for the padding on the ‘I still love you’, but I’m not worried about it. There is a way to freedom. What I consider ‘my struggle’ (note the ownership, and so definition of self) is my way to freedom, and as I overcome I grow in light and my life becomes more full because I’m more present in Him and so there for every moment. I change. I grow light. I am becoming because as God expands so do I. Put off your small mindsets regarding who you think he is, and try to take in, not even who he is, try to take on HIS eyesight; how He sees. It changes everything.

and this:

I can’t go into the male/female thing right now. But age cannot be questioned. If you were a minute older than me you’d be my elder. For me to recognize and maintain this is to keep things holy in my life. I could equalize us, but that just raises me up. Whatever knowledge I have you can absolutely glean from, but if I think for a second I have more than you, I am becoming like God because somebody needs me wants me and I’m suddenly justified by the goods on earth…identifying with all the stuff that I got from other people.

I only have any real idea of who I am when I am looking into God. Everything else is just distraction. I am less me, less human, when I am moving in God because I don’t have to do good or bad or right by anyone – I’m  not impressive because God’s impressed with me and I don’t need love because I’m filthy with it. I’m lighter and brighter because the earth has less hold on me: I’m not a victim of circumstance, but served by it all. This is how miracles happen – my ideas of earthly limits begin falling away and I see God for who He is: consistent, pure love and rectification. That’s me. That’s you.

Who are you? Where do you find yourself? Not just in the earth, because circumstances come and go, but your headspace: are you at peace or are you in a muddle? God's got order for you, a saturation that settles out the sediment and purifies your conscience and next step. He's easy and accessible. This is what Faith is for - liberation. This is what Grace is for - enabling. Be strong.