The City The Country

Today I rode hours in the wrong direction twice and spent about 10 minutes in the ocean, my goal.
It really is about the people you're with because I was devastatingly lonely. I wanted new friends, and then I didn't, I wanted old friends, but wanted to be free with them. And then I just wanted fellowship, where the thing is just the thing, and God gets the glory.

Mountains are mountains and rivers are rivers
until mountains are not mountains and rivers are not rivers,
and then mountains are mountains and rivers are rivers again.

You have fond memories of a place because of the associations that were made there, with the people whose voices are echoing in those memories. People are the investment. It's not discovering how strong I can be on my own, just how independently I can function so I might know a new kind of life somehow. We are meant to work in relationship, to fellowship, to move, and exalt, and mess about, and screw up and increase through it all.
Everyone on couchsurfing says 'I like open-minded people' and 'I'm fun-loving' and 'spontaneous'. We have ideas about who we want to consort with, but that says little about the connection that arises between people. Either you are for each other or you are not; either you are both for the lord or you are not. It's a yoking issue.
I've got a couple days here still, and a date tomorrow morning, so we'll see how this expands.
____

My heart's in quite a state. It's been gripped and grappled; I guess it's tender. Freedom, choice, deliberation, and smarts. Execution is my problem now. I see myself independent and blessed... achieving things that I alone couldn't possibly do, but am alone, save God. It's messy, this impression. 

So I'll write a book.

When I am sad
   I will smile.

"It's not what you do that defines your quality of life, it's who you do it with."
"It's not what you think that defines who you are, it's what you do."
So what you do defines you and who you're with determines your quality of life? Can that be right? Platitudes are lazy and all-encompassing because they're generally true and sound poetic and wise enough that people say them because they have to say something when they don't know what to say.
Man's mind is a pit of snakes, and when, like Indy, we fall into it, we are lost to ourselves. Intervention by the arms of another are what save us when we cannot be.
The head and the heart are two separate things - one a driver, the other for recreation; one for inception, the other for implementation. Can you see which is which?
____


The date went well.

Purging Fire, Burning Pyre

The reason and purpose for this baptism (fire) is to give the power of this pursuit from the zeal and passion of G-d for His house to purge continuously, purify eternally, and be expectant perpetually. It will surely divide rightly with clarity with what fire we are of, for the day will manifest it.  

[[The baptism into fire enables (gives power to) this pursuit (power traded from God’s stock of Zeal and Passion) for us to Purge Continually, Purify Eternally, and Expect Perpetually. It divides rightly and clearly what fire we are of, because the light manifests it]]

We do burn, but with what fire? 

Ischus is the wind for the flame, dunamis is the the ignition. I've received this baptism [to whelm, to cover wholly with fluid] unto fire - the purifying flame; strengthening, powerful, inducing.

Losing myself to the fire doesn't make me any less holy or without God - it makes plain where the Lord is winnowing my flesh. The smoking furnace and burning lamp are a testimony of His faithful pursuit. My temple's been a mess, but he erects a pyre and burns up the junk so there won't be any more money changers in this temple.  

Burn up my idols! 

I was convinced today that I couldn't be faithful - that I must put off those I've known as 'faithful' and be off, lose myself or die. Quick, that. Rather than leave it at this, I look at the rationale that led me to this conclusion: What so moved me that this sovereign King, Son of God, would abdicate his throne and take his own life? 

It was all how I saw; how I did the job, how I relate to those I'm with, how I can earn my place in God. I was lied to, quiet while a snake whispered in my ear. Be active, Man! Zakar! Remember who you are! Stand on the Word, Jesus, and be affirmed. It's never a matter of circumstance; it's a matter of position in relation to the light: are you looking to the light or gazing on your shadow?

I

m just 

here

to watch the fireworks.

I watched my shadow today, when, immediately and without my knowledge, I was talking to God about it.  I was crying out to him that I couldn't complete what I was trying to do - it was brought on by the works of my hands, painting, but the issue was tied to my heart. I saw the pain of my association in an entirely different light, and praised God for being faithful. I moved from the outer court to the inner, and back again, smoothly. A first, I think. 

And all of this, the thoughts, emotions, ties, perceptions, reactions, rejections, false images, all the stuff that makes me a man and a sinner are nothing to God in light of Christ. Because I receive him and the measuring of the depth of my redemption, my heart is turned, uprooted, washed, planted and tended, harvested, separated, burned, made clean. The pure was always there, is always here, but it's the fire that destroys the stuff that can't stand up to the Word. There is more to me than there used to be because I bear witness to active display of God's recreation in me. Ha! He's re-created me, and recreates here too. He likes fireworks, so increasingly, I let his fire work. He's always known his work was Love for me, I just couldn't see it. 

A vessel of light

of honor dishonor

of pain patience and practice

of glory and fruition

judgment and fluidity

of friction and purification

an open demonstration of 

power. 

I am measured and 

not found wanting. 

little lies grab my attention

I give it (to) a-way,

a different way,

my choice.

Until I step into 

the Great Fire of the Lord

where everything around me burns

and I cry out to the Strong One

who reminds me he's with me

and that what I've been hoping in

was dead and dry-

perfect fuel for fire.

His water rushes over me

reviving my lips and eyes

and I see him and speak him

and he's everywhere

and everyone

and I move through the garden again

Thank God for pressure and high heat that shows us what burns and what we're made of.

Beginning To

I'm beginning to face,
(the part that turns)
beginning to face
the outer courts from the inner,
my home.
I glow, gold and bright blue,
Royal purple, and white -
all colors and so glory
in all of me.


I'm beginning to see
the truth and glory
of friction as perfection,
the recognition of pain,
frustration, anger, and fear
as particles just under the skin,
taken in, now passing.
This cleansing
my mind
be purified


i'm beginning to run
a race before the sun
for the prize, the glorious prize
every step and moment bring me to
that cup i desire, my lungs are on fire
but the prize, the glorious prize
for which i take no thought
of frustration, dread, and blood
because the prize, the glorious prize
before me the healing waters, the well,
the earnest expectation of that fulfilling
i could not find any place, oh, the places i've looked
for the prize, the glorious prize.


Seek my face, boy!
You've been in such pain;
just listen.
My love, you,
for you; yours.
Strength and security
not in the world
but in truth,
apart from the petty cares
of tomorrow.