Tongues of Fire

27.10.12

I sat in the dark and was filled and bullied with winds inside me. I lifted my head upward and yelled and I flew into pieces.

I was wracked with emotions: big slimy ones and huge red slippery ones, enormous green heavy things.  I couldn’t handle them. I was filled with helium that was rocking and needed attention.  I sat down and lifted up my hands. My head broke open and a wind and smoke came in, pushed apart my halves and sifted out the debris in me. I confessed I wasn’t my own, even the thoughts the emotions stemmed from were not me. The smoke passed over my hand and left bullets, teeth, small bones. And the emotions were lifted. 

There was still weight. I was cracked open again and a giant tongue slid into the crevasse, past my brain and heart to the center of me where things start. The tongue was warm and it filled me – I was an ear and it was speaking to me. I could hear his voice. The tongue became fire and burned and burned – it remained and was lit on the oil of me. 

I was rocking and couldn’t shake something. A voice began in my core and from the roots of the earth, it grew in a steady roar that shook the room, the world, it was my voice and the sound of everything and it developed into the words ‘YOU HAVE NO IDEA HOW STRONG MY LOVE IS’.

Definition; Empowerment

The power is yours

honour and glory

and power

and power

and highlights

and starts

and tributaries

and strength through

weathery storms

and      

    the seed –

the conception –

you could carry on

in the midst of adversity –

Could even win.

You press a cool stone against my

forehead with your palm and say shh,

your fingers resting lightly in my hair,

your eyes closed.

Praying, maybe.

You gave me that stone, and whatever

was written on it, I never saw,

became part of me. I carry it everywhere.

I've been spirit lately - a three-day image of a hollow me, all colorfully pixellated edges, fading from this plane. It takes me from myself and allows me to stand up straight and be light. I remember this physicality is not everything, the end, or anything for that matter, so I walk about blessed because I'm in Him. It started with a paragraph I wrote a friend:

Jars of clay has a song called ‘Boys’ which is amazing. Their whole ‘The Long Fall Back to Earth’ album is very good. One of the lines in Boys is ‘not to undermine the consequence, but you are not what you do.’ You are a product of God’s faith, made by Him, for Him, like Him, and so Him. There’s no distance between you and him, between me and him, between you and I, because the spirit is IN us. We are IN GOD, so GOD. I am Creative because he is creative; I am able to do miracles because the world has no hold on me; I am strong because He is strong; I can love because I am loved; I AM IN LOVE. As long as we think we can fall away from him, we do. Thanks for the padding on the ‘I still love you’, but I’m not worried about it. There is a way to freedom. What I consider ‘my struggle’ (note the ownership, and so definition of self) is my way to freedom, and as I overcome I grow in light and my life becomes more full because I’m more present in Him and so there for every moment. I change. I grow light. I am becoming because as God expands so do I. Put off your small mindsets regarding who you think he is, and try to take in, not even who he is, try to take on HIS eyesight; how He sees. It changes everything.

and this:

I can’t go into the male/female thing right now. But age cannot be questioned. If you were a minute older than me you’d be my elder. For me to recognize and maintain this is to keep things holy in my life. I could equalize us, but that just raises me up. Whatever knowledge I have you can absolutely glean from, but if I think for a second I have more than you, I am becoming like God because somebody needs me wants me and I’m suddenly justified by the goods on earth…identifying with all the stuff that I got from other people.

I only have any real idea of who I am when I am looking into God. Everything else is just distraction. I am less me, less human, when I am moving in God because I don’t have to do good or bad or right by anyone – I’m  not impressive because God’s impressed with me and I don’t need love because I’m filthy with it. I’m lighter and brighter because the earth has less hold on me: I’m not a victim of circumstance, but served by it all. This is how miracles happen – my ideas of earthly limits begin falling away and I see God for who He is: consistent, pure love and rectification. That’s me. That’s you.

Who are you? Where do you find yourself? Not just in the earth, because circumstances come and go, but your headspace: are you at peace or are you in a muddle? God's got order for you, a saturation that settles out the sediment and purifies your conscience and next step. He's easy and accessible. This is what Faith is for - liberation. This is what Grace is for - enabling. Be strong.

Light Breach

How, then, do I become conscious? Theories abound and people make it up when they have no idea. I’ve tried meditation, drugs, yoga, new religion, discipline, nature, free-love, aggression, self-mutilation, deja-vu, past regression, hypnosis, séance, information dissemination, skydiving, risking my life, adrenaline, tattoos, alcohol, women, work, money, men, friendship, hardship, war, research, philosophy, action, inaction, food, humanitarian efforts, psychology, psychoses, loss, gain, wealth, stars, planets, crystals, running, swimming, digging, building, cleaning, organizing, meeting people, starting projects. At this point I felt my world narrowing because I was exhausting everything I could think of yet wasn’t waking up – where are answers? Who has them? Someone must. I couldn’t be alone in this ever-shrinking idea of life or satisfaction. I could tell if I kept going on like this the transition to outside the diminishing circle would kill me. I’d have to get the directions to just... find myself out there in free space. Is that cheating? To skip the work? Can you do that? New pursuits, ruination, eastern religions, art, poetry, fashion design, buying things. I couldn’t stop and I was reaching the end of me – where haven’t I looked? The whole world; there’s nowhere left. Vandalism theft, prison, insanity, hurt, children, marriage, assault, divorce, depression, hate, rebound love, fire-walking, fire eating, brick-oven pizza. 

I went to the park and sat on a bench. Head empty, ears ringing with screams of loss, dissatisfaction, the improbable and the impossible. A man sat next to me and the voices died. I awakened to the park, the sound of leaves and birds, the sun on the grass. I swear it was the first breath I had taken in years. I looked to my right at the middle-aged man with a beard in need of shaving. He saw me looking. “Beautiful day, huh?” he said. His voice popped up on the ‘huh,’ indicating I could only agree. It took a second but I croaked out a yes. He smiled small and turned to look at me, his eyes kind and blue. He just saw me for a minute and then he blew my mind.

“Life isn’t hard, we just think it is because we think we can get it wrong. We think by changing others, or our circumstances or habits we can find peace, but that’s like picking the apples and expecting oranges next time. Then we blame the tree for not meeting our expectations – blame ourselves, others for our dissatisfaction. You have to start with good ground and the seed you want – then focus every good thought and action on its growth and cultivation and in no time you’ll have what you desire. Merely setting yourself toward this end will occupy you and make you well because you’re moving, doing consciously the thing you are meant to do, that is: actively choosing the life you live. Then everything , Every Single Thing will feed the seed and the tree will be beautiful and fruitful and it will be yours; will be you. But nothing can happen before its time. Attention is the only thing you have – not resources, funds, time – all that depletes or has human valuation or doesn’t exist – you don’t know how much time you have. All you have is where you fix your eyes. Are you reaching toward the light?”

Honest Mash

A walk with God is not about being "Christian", but about being honest.
I've been looking for writing work for a while and, being a follower of Jesus, I started looking into writing for Christian literature. What I saw in my job search was a list of publications aimed at helping people maintain and better their ministries. This shocked me because my aim is to minister unto God, in His tabernacle, this heart of mine. My walk is full-on learning how to recognize him and to respond as he has illustrated in the bible through Jesus. I am light and so I be that light wherever I am, never leaving the temple, my heart, to minister to anyone: in ministering, serving, seeking hard after God almighty, I minister to people. It's not an outward work but an inward one, and then my works speak of an inward faith that is not dead.

God's word speaks for itself. Jesus didn't try to convince anyone of who he was - he didn't use 'new techniques' or 'a different approach' for getting people to hear him. He spoke, and the content of his message breathed life into those who had ears to hear, sparking in them what was already there. How does a church body breathe? ---- For that matter, how does a human body breathe? The diaphragm distends and the lungs expand like balloons to fill that cavity, pulling air in through the nose and mouth. From the lungs, red blood cells make contact with the oxygen through the bronchial nodes, then circulate and distribute the oxygen to the rest of the body, making the same trip again when they are depleted. I am a red blood cell. Getting filled, making my rounds, and giving what is needed where it must go when it is needed, so I might be filled and do it again. It's not about what I'm holding or what I think of myself, this is simply my operation. I never consider the oxygen mine, because we're all in this together. White blood cells are the warriors, specially designed to be bigger, badder and direct in their attack on invaders (strange fire) in the body. Platelets hold together to stem the flow when blood is being lost. Everyone has their part. Blood requires water or plasma thickens and red blood cells shrink so they can't carry as much oxygen -they're virtually useless and the body is in trouble. *Note that all of these roles, parts, and principals have spiritual implication. Can you find it? ---- A body of people find life when they operate together; when they stop posing democratic ideas about what's most fair and who gets screwed over and commit to watching the conductor who has a vision everyone's agreed to follow; once they stop contending with one another and are determined to find that which satisfies them - the finest symphony. It's when we stop looking at one another we can move together.
But even the orchestra metaphor assumes the players are interested in making music and not in bringing others to the stage. As long as I am focused on getting people saved, trying to get them to achieve the vision I see in the conductor, I won't be practicing my part. When we are focused on God, others come by virtue of the sound. It's natural. When we play with mediocrity, some stay. When we take up the conductor's vision wholeheartedly we can play with beautiful abandon, and people come in droves. If you grow in light, you are that light. Maintain the vision of God: His eye is staid on you.
I hadn't known where to find life, direction, or satisfaction except what I chanced upon until I was led to a man who carried wisdom and love. I follow that man; he's the one I trust. How can I know he won't dupe me? He doesn't need me - his eyes are fixed on God. And a man who's fixed on God knows how to get Life, so I follow in his footsteps while he walks across the desert. Love isn't sappy or manipulative and it doesn't take a place. It is strong and unwavering, corrects and reproves my mindsets so my action might come from a heart of understanding. It shows affection and doesn't revile judgment but overpowers contention simply by being real love.

Singularity

There is great division between man and God. It is great and incomprehensible.
In the beginning all things were made one in God, all to fulfill his vision. And then man received another idea.
Either we are in the Father or we are not; either we are light or we are dark; either we heed one voice or another. One cannot serve two masters.
Singularity.
Comprehension.
Bear witness to Jesus restoring cohesion to God and Man. Understand that being 'adopted' into God is being set as a son, no different than any other child or heir. Sitting here, this land is God's land, lush and fertile. Around every corner is a different fruit and a new discovery, a new source of power to propel us further and more freely into the tireless reaches of God hisownself. There you find old faith, the faith that doesn't age, and there you are born.
The innermost places of this walk are where everything is white light and even the shadows bear witness to the day.