God on down

I've been having a writing itch, something I haven't felt for a while.
Put me down, lay it out: reorganize, tie together, make it work; straighten out this headcase masterpiece.

I am elated by Jason - the fulness of his person, the soundness of his character, the depth of his realness. Plus he's honest, so he's got that going for him. and nice eyes. just knowing him humbles me because he's such an Iconic sort of guy. I realized today I try not to think about him much so I don't get too excited or too invested: what if we don't see each other again forever, or ever, or if I do something to drive him away? Unlikely, that. But I'm not responsible for keeping him, the same as I'm not responsible for getting him in the first place. I don't want Heidi to be responsible for bringing this person into my life, this happiness ... I was bitter about this earlier but now it's just unfounded and whiny. I didn't want her to be able to say because of her I have something good. why? anyway...

this led me to the realization that I've never been responsible for any good thing in my life: that's all god. But, conversely, all the bad things are my fault, for which I must be held responsible and justly punished. So, on me all the bad and none of the good, which totally justifies my saying with frequency in high school 'it's tough being me'. Sure as hell it was. is. sometimes. Isn't, really.

I am finding my way through this mess of faith-knot. The spirit of whatever I can't seem to shake, the one that ties me to ... youth, mother, naivety, childishness, laziness, lust, powerlessness ... I believe that isn't me. A word from a brother tonight: "You are full of Grace, and confusion, but Grace is more than enough. You've more than enough Grace." So amen.

Who can I touch? and what shall I fear? I still cannot consider 'who is my father, who is my mother..' without heaviness. boy. it's not a heavy heart, it's more like shame. I walked head-on into a god I could love and touch, and I let something small and untrue run me away from that one real and tangible god. go back? not now, not yet, those people, that weather, those circumstances... please, I'm a pariah. 'No doubt if he was of us he'd still be with us.' and that's the end of that. But grace. and not just NIV grace, but real, full-bodied lavish-you-with-love/glory/honor-grace again. but how can I move forward? to where? that god's still here, with in of and before me, he never left me though I tried to leave him. But I did receive the word 'if you move forward from here, it will be with a hardened heart.'
I left before my time, with no faith and no vision. where there is no vision the people perish, says the plaque above the boob-tube in front of me.

I love you, can't you tell? I lavish myself upon you and you think I'm actively despising you.
But I cannot forget Alaska and the things I learned there.
Then don't.
I believe them and know they're true, but chose to leave and not do them. So..I don't believe them and don't think they're true. Now I'm trying my own thing utilizing standards from a past life... the very life I would choose for my children if I would know their hearts were free... and the two cannot be reconciled. One is sure and won't vary or budge, the other has no definition and leaves every aspect up to me. WHO AM I, THEN, TO ORCHESTRATE MY HAPPINESS?! Uh, that would be God. Hi, I'm God almighty, and proud of it. Usurper to the throne, son of perdition. Hot damn, I've got a good thing here. But grace! Grace to re-turn... I only see that as returning to Alaska. Heidi asks if my time there was good for me, I say 'not really' because I cannot answer her earth-bound questions with Truth. I'm in a hell of my own devising - so where do the 'good days' come from?