I feel like I need a forum in which to shout. I get lightning-flash frustration at my lack of motion and purpose in life, and by telling people about the truth that I've found I think I'll be better motivated to act upon it. To start projects. Because those are fulfilling. By raising my voice I'll be moving, spreading, seeking (coercing, judging), finding brothers, depositing seeds (giving meat to babes and fathering bastards). SO EXHILERATING. I WILL SINGLEHANDEDLY CHANGE THE WORLD BECAUSE GOD DID IT FOR ME DAMMIT! YEAHEXCITEDYEAH! I come down off the podium in a sheen of sweat, hands shaking.
I don't need to change the world. It's not mine. I watch over it, and help shape it. I can't make a plant grow - it does that of its own volition. I only help it along with fertilizer, water, pruning, training, and protection. If I don't provide these things, it will die. Does this make me God? Hardly. God doesn't pull back. His ways are set and if you enter into them, even in unbelief, you will be blessed. You just mightn't know why. Because he doesn't lie and because He encourages us every step of the way (and before), even the hardest heart can become soft. (This doesn't mean it will.) He's provider, pointing daily to my hangups so I can walk away from them. Hangups super-suck! My conversations here always descend from the lofty idyllic and potential into granting humanity's limitations, "But we're human, of course we have hangups! That's what makes us human!" as if I'm being stupid. By accepting limitations we roll down the lane all our life and hope that at the end we'll have determined such trajectory that we hit all the pins, thinking that's success. Rather, God says if you're touching oxygen you've succeeded. Because you're alive you're a success. Starting there, what do you want to do? Want to grow in the wisdom that settles kingdoms? Want to learn to hold peace in your heart? Want to be alive while you live? Want to fly? You can! Just three easy payments of everything you are.
Did you see that these aren't physical things (except the flying because I want to do that) but concepts? Because your spirit is affirmed and sure, bound to endless grace in the Father, you can do anything on earth. First spiritual, then physical. What we believe is what we see; our faith is manifest before us. Do I believe God transcends earthly laws? Yep. Then I can fly. (I'm getting closer) Do I believe I'm given authority over this earth? Yep. Then I can tell the rain to pass and it shall. If you grow in spiritual riches, that is, understanding stewardship, grace, discerning of spirits, submission, hearing, etc,... you will create earthly wealth, because nothing has a hold on you. Because you're no longer addicted to gambling, you can save. Because you don't need food for satisfaction anymore, you can lose 90 pounds and invest the money you were eating. Because you don't have to have a shiny car to impress people, you can drive a 15 year old beater and travel for leisure. God has said yes to everything you want. If you want drugs, you can get them - he's made our free will that strong - we're capable of hurting ourselves. So what do you want? What's important? It's not a bigger tv, or an indoor bike. It's not a bigger ministry, because that's catering to the walk of others. Do you want to be wise? Find those who are wise and ask. What we esteem is where we spend our time and money - let them speak. Ask and it will be given, seek and you will find, knock and the door will be opened unto you. Our lives are so finite, boxed in peanuts of limitation. We're not that fragile by a longshot. Figure out what you want that lasts, because these bodies will pass, and what will you have at that point? Not your car. Peace? It's not about what you leave behind, or how the world's changed - it's about you and God. Get back to the heart of the matter because He never stops serving you.
There's so much energy in me that needs to get out and be shared. It's not about ministering unto others, but ministering unto my heart. I have to share. This is why faith without works is dead. If you believe and are not propelled to action, you don't believe. So start believing. It's not about the work, it's about the impetus. The work just happens. As your heartland changes, your actions change. Your words to others are affected because out of the abundance of the heart do you speak. You begin serving because you know you are served and don't deserve anything; your life becomes one of humility. The world's changed.
Shouting from a stage has it's place. That place just isn't in me.
You know what's liberating? Walking. Saying 'yes' to this thing or that thing, knowing it's not perfect. The thing will never be perfect. And every time you say yes to a certain (imperfect) experience, you're saying no to a different experience. And guess what? That experience wasn't perfect either.
ReplyDeletePerfection is not in the thing. Choose what you want. Follow it through. Delight in what comes - whatever it is.
For the first time, I feel free to perhaps do a Masters course. I've wanted to an MA before. I've tried before. I've never been free to do it. I was too worried about whether it was the right thing or if I was going to the right place or what if maybe I should be doing something else. I wondered if maybe I should be staying at home, so I could be better submitted and in fellowship. You know what I just saw now? Submission (like fellowship) is not about the location of my body, or the physical closeness of my living arrangement. That sure helps, but you can't work form the outside in - only of the heart by the spirit.
I'm free to walk.