In Utero

We do not ‘arrive’, we are in progress. 

--Our walk into freedom isn’t a straight download – it’s a fragmented torrent we’re only X% through;  I have some parts and you have others, we share and grow together, forming a complete discography we both REALLY REALLY want.

--I don't judge others for where they're at in their download (the program comes with this on the queue), and I look to those who have more than I have. 

--I don't deride them if their file is corrupted or poor quality - I let them know and warn them of other corrupted iterations.

--This is only a problem if someone thinks they're nearing completion; each album takes 25 hours to download and there's a new album out every day.

Consider this:

I spent nine months as virtually nothing in utero. This body was produced then reborn in my teens. My 80 years of given life here, like this, are a time of conception, growth, transformation, and preparation for what is to come. At the time my body passes, I will be realized and my spirit-man will be born into whatever comes next. At what point do I think I become anything more than 'virtually nothing', or have arrived at any unnamed destination? I bet I'll be reborn again.

If all we ever are is being formed, then I've nothing to gloat about. I might as well quit rejecting whatever growth may look like and head on to the next evolution. Munchlax to Snorlax via Happiness, and so on.

Fully Alive

"The Glory of God is man fully alive" - St. Irenaeus

What's fully alive then? I asked a friend and she said whatever it looks like, it "seems to overflow with the elements of love, joy, peace, kindness, gentleness, faithfulness, and self control." (These are the fruits of the spirit.) If these represent full life, then we are most full, to overflowing, when we are in the spirit. Moving in the spirit permits God's glory to shine; we're the glory of god when we are not inhibited by this world. Any life can be lived but it takes real courage and practice to live out loud in the present. Being present is to find an active God, the one you can bear witness to right now, blaringly beautiful in all things. When we get ahead of ourselves with frustrations that haven't happened yet, we are generating an emotional response to things out of our control (ie the future). "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." We sacrifice our peace (our only real treasure) to a god (the future) who is insatiable. Our peace is gone in an instant.

"It's like this: when your mind creates a problem, when it resists life as it unfolds in the moment, your body tenses and feels this tension as an 'emotion,' variously interpreted by words like 'fear,' 'sorrow,' or 'anger.' True emotion...is pure energy, flowing freely in the body...emotions are a natural human capacity, a form of expression. Sometimes it's appropriate to express fear, sorrow, or anger - but the energy should be directed completely outward, not held in. The expression of emotions should be complete and powerful, then should vanish without a trace. The way to control your emotions, then, is to let them flow and let them go." (Way of the Peaceful Warrior, Dan Millman)

We are not fully alive when we are missing what's going on right now, usually because we're thinking about tomorrow, or a future presentation, or how pissed I am about so-and-so, or whether or not my crush is diggin' me too. Be present and in good company, doing what you're doing with all your energy because what you invest is what you will reap. Satisfaction is the end result, because nothing feels wasted and your intentions have been fulfilled, regardless of outcome. It's like leaving the game on the court, or field, or being fully immersed in the character, or writing without editing for a full twenty minutes. Pour out and you will reap. When we get consumed by thoughts about others position in relation to our own, about insecurities, successes and failures, whether we've done right or wrong, we are lost to them - all these less-than-objective viewpoints run on an OS we've always had and all of it is "justified" but won't hold up to real and constructive scrutiny. Life is not what you've done, it's where you're at. That's why you can always reinvent yourself because salvation is now. Living is not what you're doing, but where your heart's at. Your brain can get you through a day, but your mind can assail you all the while. I don't hold with 'happiness' as a thing anymore. Rather, I'm drawn to 'satisfaction' as fulfillment. Joy accompanies satisfaction. You're not happy with a job well done, but satisfied. Satisfaction is earned and a reward in itself. We work toward this indefinite happiness which cannot actually be attained because there's always something bigger and otherwise we're wanting:

"If you don’t get what you want, you suffer; if you get what you want, you still suffer because you can’t hold on to it forever.  Your mind is your predicament.  It wants to be free of change, free of pain, free of the obligations of life and death.  But change is a law, and no amount of pretending will alter that reality... Life is not suffering; it’s just that you will suffer it, rather than enjoy it, until you let go of your mind’s attachments and just go for the ride freely, no matter what happens."

You cannot control the world: you can only agree or disagree with what's coming your way. You can be at peace and ride the waves or you can struggle and drown in them. Commit your life to God, the thoughts and intents of the heart, and you will be thoroughly changed and thoroughly strengthened for every situation, for every assailing, and for every joy. Emotions needn't rule you like a lord over his serfs, but they can be Fully experienced once they are sanctified. God is good, and nothing changes this. I am alive when I am awake to His presence now, not 'when I will be awake' to him.
"Morning is when I am awake and there is a dawn within me." Thoreau.
Our culture creates stress and assumes that's simply the way of things. Stress is not peace, and it is not quiet. Stress is a crowded schedule, a plan that can be waylaid, a body that gets rundown, and a mind that won't shut up. Stress is distraction from Peace and Life. This isn't to say you can't be busy, but walk hand in hand with the Lord without running ahead of him. Lean on him for guidance and patience, growing in discernment so your yes might be yes and your no a no. In this way you will become more like God, moving with him; moved by joy, peace, gentleness and self control. Because the spirit of God was poured out on all men, we are His glory when we are less ourselves.

Listen Here

Do you think everything has a voice?
Cabinets, carpets, trees, a house's face. The bible says the rocks cry out.
Do you think anything can speak?
I imagine that everything has something to say, people waste their voices, but assuming every object has a purpose, what better way for that purpose be illuminated than for the very steward of that purpose to talk about it? I'm not saying I want to chat with a lampstand. If my purpose is to live and grow thicker, bolder, and more colorful (in Life) here, then I can grow. The same way a detective can read and perceive a truth and move with his gut in pursuit of his end, perhaps if we learned to listen in a new way, we could never be without sustenance, purpose, and innovation. I see the perceiving of these sounds as a stillness of the soul, like a pool which grows in content and depth when a thing is deposited in it. If your pool is rocky, you won't notice anything else coming at you because it's lost in the ruckus. But if you're quiet in spirit, the sounds and ripples will give the thing away. Things are slipping into your pool every day; do you know it?

Either objects are given a voice or someone is speaking through them. The voice is speaking of experience, life and direction, or lamenting its fear, destruction, and sadness. Who's speaking where and to what end? If Expansion is speaking, then I am illuminated and so I grow. If close-mindedness is speaking, I'm held down and hate it, but think myself safe. What will I hear of? I lean less on the lesser voice because I have been shown it's not prosperous, though at one point I thought it was.
My faith isn't airy-fairy (my new catch-all term for a sort of hippie reception - indiscriminate might be more appropriate), it's expanding to perceive more of god and life. I've been stuck in a mindset so I wouldn't move but God's endlessly expanding and moving, so I must learn to move like a greased wheel.
Life as energy. Given that everything in a room has energy (a temperature, a flammable mass, nutrients for things to grow in), then the energy of god is thrumming through all things. Sedentary, propelled, wet, hot, or mangy, he's close and literally coursing all around me - through me ... he is me. I am God. This is the oneness that all wise people speak of: the immersion of the self, thoughts, actions, emotions, all life, into a giant pool of consciousness where all things are shared and true and Justice is equal for everything. Step into the pool and be healed because everything in it is whole.

In life, Christianity for the most part sees do's and dont's and doesn't care to pursue a higher life. Many of them look for a better way because the seed within them hopes (earnestly expects) for consummation with the spirit, but their vision is limited because they are interested only in what they have and what comes next.  They're not present. Hippies perceive the life of spirit and move in it but do not submit to the structure and clarity that gives our life here.Though more easygoing than most Christians, (I'm generalizing) they have few boundaries and aren't lawful enough in their pursuit. God is balance - all love and all direction, where direction is the law of his word. He is missed when the law gets heavy, because there's nothing heavy about Life and Grace and Peace. You can't keep the law, you can observe and maintain it to the best of your ability. From there you grow. You're not expected to keep it; he hopes you'll look for increase because the law is a way providing clarity in a mess of detail and circumstance. It declares the simple truth when a bevy of other cries bombard you with other justified and less true truths. So just be you. Don't put on, or lie, beat around the bush, or water things down. Bring it out like it's moving in you - anger, frustration, uproarious joy. Or don't. They're only circumstances, and if we're truly in God, then the people who get offended right out of my life aren't partaking of the grace that I'm learning to drink of.
It's about being present and growing up and down, side to side, glory to glory, because God just keeps on raining down.  He dwells outside of time and we get hitched up in it. I won't lament for the person who'll be leaving in a month because I have them now. If it comes down to it I can call, email, skype, facebook, or let the world know with a tweet that I miss their body and am glad they're somewhere they need to be right now.
There's no distance in spirit anyhow. Pray for me, and your desire for my presence will be lessened because we're in the same pool. So I'm grateful for everything roundabout me and all the inner workings of the spirit. I am empowered to move in Grace, because God has propelled me into my next steps and those are never without Christ.
This is all about receiving, the willingness to open up to whatever might be higher and better than myself. I am closed when I think I'm good just as I am. I am good, and whole, and if secure in this state I'm prohibiting my expansion of self into something I haven't yet perceived. There are two levels here: the natural and the spiritual. In the natural, my steadfastness is a planted-feet I've-come-this-far-and-so-am-strong mentality. In the spiritual realm, this security is founded in the Lord and instead of digging in to stop something I am able to stand and receive whatever will stick. Receive of whatever comes at you and be sure the Lord will sort it out. We dedicate so much energy to determining what we'll receive that we waste ourselves and staunch our growth because we think we know exactly what we need. I don't know how God looks. My faith is growing that he approaches me in a multitude of ways I haven't yet seen, considered, or been open to.
So if the walls start speaking to me of life, I won't be surprised.

Check in at the Front Desk

Who goes to heaven? Strike that. What is heaven?
The bible calls heaven:____
Describes it as:_____
Says we'll be in heaven when/if/because/as a result of/due to:_____

My Father talks about my mom's mom sometimes, and each time he goes quiet. Because he repeats himself on a regular basis, his anecdote about 'the edge of her wings tickling the end of your nose' lost some of it's factuality. A statement only needs repeating if it requires further understanding - otherwise, they're selling something. Maybe he's just reliving her glow. In any case, he laments the fact that she's not in heaven because she never accepted Jesus. She was the best person around, yet she's condemned to eternal torment because God said 'YOU GET ONE SHOT. DON'T MESS UP' and she did. It's such a simple key! "Jesus: Yes" and you're in.
This thinking, this perception of the One True God is repulsive. It's been manufactured by manipulators, by thinkers who couldn't believe without seeing, by those who have never experienced the presence of God. Because most Christians have only an academic understanding of God (a superficial one at that), who God is and how he works have so many iterations that without a heart for truth, all the heads in this world will never agree about his depths.
I receive the Truth my Father tells me. But the truth my dad tells me is based on his interpretation of the bible, the cold and lifeless word that says a lot of shtuff that's really hard to wade through.
The world cannot come to any consensus because nobody believes in anything consistent - every image of God is graven and dead, worshiped thanks to tradition, and maintained for that reason. Think Fiddler on the Roof. But the God I follow is alive and well, consistent and true, a provider and one who loves me whenever I deign consider Him. He's the best husband, and I'm ... well, learning to maintain my walk at his side. My heart's for him. So what's heaven after this life if we walk every day with Jesus now? Do I muddle along saying 'I think God wants me to do such and such', just waiting for my body to pass away so I can see Jesus with my eyes? Or whatever I'll see with?
His closeness and the depth of his forgiveness are touted, but our understanding of what it means and looks like to move with him in freedom are not exemplified. I am alive, and I am with Him. He says 'I am that I am', and I'm just like that, made in that image, in Him, associating with Him, so I, too, Am that I Am. Somewhere in there 'I'm just a guy' comes into play and overrides all the promises, blessings, amens, life-saving, fruit-bearing, miracle-induced belief that we say we believe. Is my faith so small? Jesus came as a man so I wouldn't have to be small-minded (self-conscious) anymore. I take no thought for myself, rather I am God conscious. I am aware of this world and operating within it but my existence is elsewhere, running with the horsemen and mounting on wings like eagles.
Definitions are basic because communication is based on mutual understanding of shared meaning. Building blocks. Is heaven a place? Is 'good' a result of my behavior? Is Jesus alive in the conventional sense or in some other way? What is hell, who is the devil, what are the functions of angels, why do I get headaches, did God make AIDS, what is war, why did my mother die so young, why is my boss such an ass, why do I hate myself for being type A, why is my church splitting and falling apart even though we keep all his statutes and are good people?

Who am I?

Forget all you know about God, and pretend you are not.
Suddenly you have sensation, and find you're being fashioned into exactly what someone wants.
Then you're animated. You move and are elated that you're living. He's elated too, simply that you are. He's also satisfied that he managed to make precisely what he needed. You bring him satisfaction just .because.
You love him with all of you, and he reciprocates, giving you everything you need, which is easy, because your heart is connected directly with his, so his wants are yours. Then you see the neighbor moving in. He's super-showy and speaks like greased honey. Suddenly you find yourself distracted by the things he has, by getting and having them. You wonder why your love doesn't speak as well as he does. You see that your guy has shortcomings that aren't a big deal, really, but they bug you nonetheless. He tells you that the neighbor isn't for you, that he's deceptive and won't be able to provide the way you need to be provided for. You feel hemmed in and bored with this boring no-nonsense life of boredom. You imagine the adventures you could have with the neighbor, but you don't speak of those. You tell him you're leaving and he doesn't stop you; he's never stopped you from doing anything. He's told you from the beginning that you're absolutely free to do as you will, and that you can return whenever you wish. You leave. Your heart pounds as you walk next door and you feel a little sick inside, but you brush it away because this is super exciting. You knock on the door and Greasy McLiesalot answers, a fake shock registering in his eyes. He steps aside for you to enter.
____


With whom do you relate and where do you find you're living? Who do you love, in your heart, and to whom do you show it? What is your hope? If you are a servant of your fellow man for the sake of service, are you not living in the gifts you were given? A heart full of unconditional Love is a heart full of God. And where there is God there is peace, and where there is true peace there is heaven. When this body passes the 'Heaven of the Clouds' could look like a shanty town, and our mansions could be double-wides and nobody there would care because true peace is steadfast despite appearances. If I had decided to be satisfied with being close to God, that beautiful life and liberty, I'd be happy to live in near-squalor. To wake each day with the prospect, the certainty, of participating in splendor, honor, and glory and not just seeing them displayed would change your world, because how you see is how you experience the world. It's interesting that I'm talking about heaven like it's this life, like they're comparable. Well, if God's present then here's everything He is. And just like that, heaven came near.
You don't have to reach and strive for something, you don't have to wait to be satisfied or approved. You needn't spend your days in anticipation of 'the end' because God was and is and will be forever the same: time isn't an issue with him; why's it an issue with us? 'Because we're finite!' you justify. You can be if you want, I'd rather expand beyond the edge of my thinking, my body, my understanding, my limited will, my trivial hopes. I expect God and I'M NOT EVER TRULY DISAPPOINTED because He knows me far better than I know myself. So I look for Him, and when I look for Him I find him. So much of the christian faith is talktalktalk, waiting to be hit upside the head with something out of the norm. But God's the norm. We've somehow settled into a mundane existence, but there's nothing mundane about it. I'm lit up by that representation of Heaven. It's the state of your heart that determines your daily trajectory, and at any time you can turn back to him. What do you have to lose? Face? With your fellow man who are in the same boat, subject to the same Loving Justice as you? There's a different set of scales in there. Let God judge man, and let the scales fall off your eyes - you cannot determine good or evil, and if you are, you're picking from the lesser tree. I promise you don't want to be there. You do You in God, seeking the Truth that gives LIFE, not the truth that is impressive to people who are also trying to impress others. You do You in God because that's all you can do. You cannot change another man, or make him do anything. If your happiness is based on the life or action of others, you will be endlessly up and down in satisfaction. God is constant and our walk in Him is ever forward, ever onward, even when it feels like we're not moving. I am Alive! We are Living! We walk toward Him, but we require relationship because when I fall I need arms to help me up. And if you're also in His image, are they not the hands of my father lifting me up? It's hardly blasphemy to bring God to this plane - he's been here, lived and hung out here; he actually made the place. It'd be his house if He hadn't chosen to inhabit you and I. I don't know what the hell blasphemy is if God is all powerful and made us soveriegn.

All this started with a thought about heaven and hell. If you choose to see God, you'll find how he's working for you and with you. If you choose to be strong in your own right, you'll feel empty and wasted, because you are. Hell isn't what we've been taught, heaven is actually close and available. God's real and wonderful. His blessings are active. You are empowered because of Him! Be Incredible, because you've already won. Today's not against you. And when tomorrow is today, that too will be for you, odds in your favor; you're actually guaranteed the win. Booyah.

Detective Bounty, ASC

    Some people have it. Many people step into this profession, more a lifestyle, excited because it's novel. Their first days are bright eyed and busy, but soon it's evident who has the gall, the 'it' that shucks all obstacles to achieve the end. You're informed on the first day that there is no end, that you're going to be seeking every day and that you won't be able to leave your work at work. That the things you see here won't leave your eyes and will affect your homelife. Your fellow detectives will become your family and you'll feel more at home chewing on the newest break in the case over midnight take-out in the office. Your wife will resent you unless she's the understanding type, and even then you'll have cold nights. But one of the ways this is a different sort of work is that we need your women, too. They see things men don't. If you hang in there through the horrors, breakthroughs and chases, you'll be changed for life. So will your children, and ninety percent of the time they'll join the walk.
    Here's what's odd and the real kicker: we've caught the killer, we know the end from the beginning. What we're doing is working backward, tracing in intimate detail to the beginning of things where it all started. This so we can know how to go forward, prevent any of these crimes from happening again.
    There's an impossibly high turnover rate here. I've only been in it for a few years, and I'm a veteran. I'm subject to that which I pursue, the Higher and Noble Truth that is objective because it's already happened. I find clues and  follow the trail, always in the midst of this search that consumes me. Few people are willing to commit, to sacrifice the lives they had for something with an intangible reward.  All you novice detectives, interns (temps even), come to me to learn how to do this, how to think anew, how to receive a different pattern of understanding so you can thrive.  And when the going's easy enough, you're fine. It's when you can't find the next step that you get upset and take it out on me. I inform you of how to move forward: cut up the walls on your boxed-in thinking and look with new eyes. This offends you because it's what I say every time, and you take your heat out on me because you've gotten too big for your britches. Again you fail to understand this frustration is what will elevate you to the next step, that the process looks different every time but always functions the same at it's heart: there is always a clue. Perseverance is the most important factor in the beginning: the case will break and you'll find exactly what you're looking for. Your gut is usually right.

Humility

I did this as a 10 minute speed write and was shocked.

When I was a child, I thought as a child can. When I was a young man, my eyes were opened to Light, and I saw and heard for the first time. When I experienced more days, I saw myself, and I had grown to magnificent heights, a giant among men with nothing to lose. I sought a higher passage, something more important than my daily walk. I desired to be set free of my height and weight - I didn't need to be so full and imposing. I sought wisdom and found myself before a yogi, an ancient of days. He sat still and quietly and shone with peace. He was of normal size and wanted for nothing, content. I fell at his feet and said 'Sir, I plead, reveal to me your secret size, your capacity for life and truth.' He was quiet, and I prostrate at his feet, wondered what could be crossing a mind and heart as still as a pond of amazing depth.

After a time he spoke. He said 'Through many trials, by many men, through many days and across many mountains I have lived. I have heard much talk, little wisdom. I have listened to the earth, its cries and furies. I have watched leaves grow, turn, fade and bud. I am older now than I have ever been and know less than I ever thought possible. The universe expands within me and I desire to grow with it. How to grow in capacity? Why, son, you must live. You must watch and inherit the life before you. Consume daily your bread and do not want for what you do not have. Peace is not outside of you." I was curious. I understood his words and they made little sense to me.

"I want this now! Why must I wait?"

He saw my anger but chuckled. "This is the way of things. You can drain a lake in one go and still be thirsty tomorrow. Drink what today gives you."

            "But I have grown to such heights! I will not fall to pieces to be small again."

He saw my great height and sighed. "You are not your own creation. How have you added to any of your height? This came by submission and reception -- you had a humble heart then. Have you one now?"