There's a Way

I've perceived a line with 'Love' and 'Law' at the other, where God's the balance between. Being part of a body where I lived in constant (crushing) awareness of others' perception of me, I have lived on the Law end for a while. I just asked myself how to dial down the law and dial up the love, to move more toward God's balance and yogi-bliss, and the fact that this is super 2-dimensional man-thought hit me.
I saw love and law come together on God to form one point. In the same moment I saw the line grow upward, outward, and sideways into a three dimensional universe in which the God of the center expanded as a ball of warm light into the very reaches of the still-growing everything. It was a cool impression.
I'm not apart from Him even when I'm in the law because there's love all over it. The law is just the way. It's the weight of the law that's not of Him.

In seeking God, I've been looking for something that's super foreign to me. I was trying to study it like I studied Spanish culture in high school: with little enthusiasm and because I was told to. I've tasted the life of him (far better than flan), and have gotten lawful on myself because I should dive in to all I can. I haven't. In school I worked for A's; in real life I aim for intangibles which are far harder to measure. So why measure? Isn't any progress advancement? I went for good grades to please people, but my momentum in God begins to mount when I realize I've been walking without knowing it: He doesn't leave, so we're always hanging out. I'm constantly seeing Him and myself in Him, I've just been trained to believe there's nothing exceptional about it so everyday has more on me than I have on it. God wants me free and I want to be free. I don't have to go anywhere or look like anything to be free - it's an inalienable right.

In reading the bible I'm reading about myself - I've never seen myself that way. You know, powerful, able, faithful, true; doing big things because I was called to regardless of how insane they looked. He told me again today that nothing about my life is mundane. This must be true because he's here right now, and when does someone so creative do anything unintentional? Zone out for a bit? When is God's downtime? He lives in peace and rest still doing things, but unhurried and without pressure. We say 'well He's God' as if that justifies the how of anything he does. But he's knowable. Everything he does he does so we would know him and his presence, his power and love. We are his likeness and image for goodness sakes, how different do you think we are? Jesus said we'd do the things he did and more, so why do we think an active and living God who doesn't take a break from caring for us is unreachable, hard-hearted and impossible to comprehend? Who the hell is this? He sounds capricioius and mean-spirited, like a Greek god. We admit one thing with our mouths (testifying of His goodness and grace) and do the obscene opposite (believing and so living that he's untrustworthy and going to punish me unless I can do well), hypocrites that we are.

Moving forward in God means aligning yourself with him, like a marriage. I put off my old self so that my new identity might be more like his; we are the Bride, after all. He presented the Bride to himself without spot or wrinkle, so I'm clean and wonderful before him. Where every day is a chance to be less of what I used to be (and hated), and more of what I desire (the one I've chosen to spend my life with), nothing's mundane. We don't grow familiar with each other, we grow more expectant and excited: He's made himself available. When I draw near to God and put off my old patterns of thinking, perceptions of him and who he is, perceptions of who I am or how I'm supposed to be, concerns and fears and hangups and wishes and on and on...when I willingly lay those at his feet, then I am free to be loved. And he's rapturous. I get red in the face reading Song of Songs because it's about me.

There is a way; it's through the bride. It's from a father who makes a son, through the mother that produces him. It's being part of a body who will shape you and raise you in the way you should go. It's submitting yourselves one to another, confessing your sins, building one another up and blessing those whose hearts have been given to you. All of this because we have a mediator and because we are cared for by the one who loved us first. He's made a way where there was no way, and it's nothing like we understand or imagine.

Coming Home

Lord, I need to know your sovereignty.
You, God; not me.
When I look to you I attest to you as you are, not as I have seen you. I profess you and your glory, your liberating light. I walk to your heartbeat, the constant and steady thrum of my existence. I burn for You, O, Lord, that I might be purified. My head is bowed for your feet have shown me the way. You reign, father.

Self conscious, I don’t think I’ll be wanted. I don’t think there’s any use for me. I don’t think much of myself, which is where everything can turn around. When I think I have nothing, then I can stop thinking and open up to an influx of breath that coolly and cleanly circulates me. Without a word it reminds me that I’m worth living.

My eyes are toward you when I'm moving or standing still, when I'm powerful and when I'm waning; you correct my stance and urge me onward. You have outstretched your hand to this body, and we accept. As a gentleman, you elicit a dance, and we are lost in your arms. I am found in your gentle hands, humbled. 

God teach me your language. Your love.
Let the world move around me
while I walk with you.

Purging Fire, Burning Pyre

The reason and purpose for this baptism (fire) is to give the power of this pursuit from the zeal and passion of G-d for His house to purge continuously, purify eternally, and be expectant perpetually. It will surely divide rightly with clarity with what fire we are of, for the day will manifest it.  

[[The baptism into fire enables (gives power to) this pursuit (power traded from God’s stock of Zeal and Passion) for us to Purge Continually, Purify Eternally, and Expect Perpetually. It divides rightly and clearly what fire we are of, because the light manifests it]]

We do burn, but with what fire? 

Ischus is the wind for the flame, dunamis is the the ignition. I've received this baptism [to whelm, to cover wholly with fluid] unto fire - the purifying flame; strengthening, powerful, inducing.

Losing myself to the fire doesn't make me any less holy or without God - it makes plain where the Lord is winnowing my flesh. The smoking furnace and burning lamp are a testimony of His faithful pursuit. My temple's been a mess, but he erects a pyre and burns up the junk so there won't be any more money changers in this temple.  

Burn up my idols! 

I was convinced today that I couldn't be faithful - that I must put off those I've known as 'faithful' and be off, lose myself or die. Quick, that. Rather than leave it at this, I look at the rationale that led me to this conclusion: What so moved me that this sovereign King, Son of God, would abdicate his throne and take his own life? 

It was all how I saw; how I did the job, how I relate to those I'm with, how I can earn my place in God. I was lied to, quiet while a snake whispered in my ear. Be active, Man! Zakar! Remember who you are! Stand on the Word, Jesus, and be affirmed. It's never a matter of circumstance; it's a matter of position in relation to the light: are you looking to the light or gazing on your shadow?

I

m just 

here

to watch the fireworks.

I watched my shadow today, when, immediately and without my knowledge, I was talking to God about it.  I was crying out to him that I couldn't complete what I was trying to do - it was brought on by the works of my hands, painting, but the issue was tied to my heart. I saw the pain of my association in an entirely different light, and praised God for being faithful. I moved from the outer court to the inner, and back again, smoothly. A first, I think. 

And all of this, the thoughts, emotions, ties, perceptions, reactions, rejections, false images, all the stuff that makes me a man and a sinner are nothing to God in light of Christ. Because I receive him and the measuring of the depth of my redemption, my heart is turned, uprooted, washed, planted and tended, harvested, separated, burned, made clean. The pure was always there, is always here, but it's the fire that destroys the stuff that can't stand up to the Word. There is more to me than there used to be because I bear witness to active display of God's recreation in me. Ha! He's re-created me, and recreates here too. He likes fireworks, so increasingly, I let his fire work. He's always known his work was Love for me, I just couldn't see it. 

A vessel of light

of honor dishonor

of pain patience and practice

of glory and fruition

judgment and fluidity

of friction and purification

an open demonstration of 

power. 

I am measured and 

not found wanting. 

little lies grab my attention

I give it (to) a-way,

a different way,

my choice.

Until I step into 

the Great Fire of the Lord

where everything around me burns

and I cry out to the Strong One

who reminds me he's with me

and that what I've been hoping in

was dead and dry-

perfect fuel for fire.

His water rushes over me

reviving my lips and eyes

and I see him and speak him

and he's everywhere

and everyone

and I move through the garden again

Thank God for pressure and high heat that shows us what burns and what we're made of.

Remember, be

What's my self-perception? My words seem stopped up even when I don't think about them. but it's not me. I am in Him, and walking. What moves in me is fully moved in me, and fully realized at that moment. My understanding of it will grow - this is only first light. May I stop moving if I ever think I've gotten something. I am free, tied to nothing.

"Make the heteros get married." bahaha
I feel like this self of mine is getting more flimsy: that the stuff that comes is all just fine, fine. I get a little harried, but it's not consuming. I guess I expect consumption. I desire consuming fire - but passion, I suppose.


Zakar means 'male' or 'to remember'.
Jehu means 'he is God' or 'it is Jah [who is God]' - (n.) A coachman; a driver; especially, one who drives furiously.
Concerning Ischus and Dunamis, I'd say it's a man who remembers who he is. 

Something's been imparted. I've thought too much and carried too much and considered and believed I knew what it would look like. But I don't.
I don't, okay?
You tell me I'm wonderful, and you provide for me at every step. You show that you're outside of me, and it still feels like a headgame - I might win if I can just catch the rules. So you manifest to me, and we have a very real encounter i sound crazy expressing. I assume I want healing. But it seems like all I want's to be right. Your life is LIFE, and I can talk about it. But for now, I'm content to stress about all the I's in me. Faith toward God; not toward the self. 
A MAN REMEMBERS. It's who he is; it's his makeup. I remember you, lord, when I'm falling. I remember you when I'm catching fire. I remember you, head, when I attempt to make my own way. I SUBMIT TO YOU, HOLY SPIRIT, WHEN I'M WRITING, SPEAKING, AND BREATHING. MY THOUGHTS ARE NOT MY OWN BUT THEY ARE DIRECTED AT YOU. I DEVOUR YOUR WORD FOR IT OPENS MY SENSES - MY SPIRIT UNTO YOU.
I can't do you, I am you. There's the game. I spend all my time trying to figure out how to be this one particular person I can't get all the details to, and I'm him all my life. If I'm you; I'm content. I'm powerful, and able. Secure and easy, unharried. I create in rest and, well, am rested. If I celebrate you I no longer have to celebrate myself - this, whatever you made - this gift of operation. I can just write you. I still need training, but I can participate if I'm you. I'm yours.

I'm expecting something crazy on my behalf, but you're with me, so I guess everything's just outrageous.
Thanks, pop, for being kindly. For smiling on me when I would run. Thanks for bringing me home. This heart is yours. And I'm a man, so I don't swear, but I remember my word and now my yes is yes. I do.

The Pursuit of God

The following is from A.W. Tozer's The Pursuit of God. Read it with an open heart and discerning spirit; real work can begin through this.

    Self is the opaque veil that hides the Face of God from us. It can be removed only in spiritual
experience, never by mere instruction. We may as well try to instruct leprosy out of our system. There must
be a work of God in destruction before we are free. We must invite the cross to do its deadly work
within us. We must bring our self-sins to the cross for judgment. We must prepare ourselves for an
ordeal of suffering in some measure like that through which our Saviour passed when He suffered
under Pontius Pilate.
    Let us remember: when we talk of the rending of the veil we are speaking in a figure, and the
thought of it is poetical, almost pleasant; but in actuality there is nothing pleasant about it. In human
experience that veil is made of living spiritual tissue; it is composed of the sentient, quivering stuff
of which our whole beings consist, and to touch it is to touch us where we feel pain. To tear it away
is to injure us, to hurt us and make us bleed. To say otherwise is to make the cross no cross and death
no death at all. It is never fun to die. To rip through the dear and tender stuff of which life is made
can never be anything but deeply painful. Yet that is what the cross did to Jesus and it is what the
cross would do to every man to set him free.
    Let us beware of tinkering with our inner life, hoping ourselves to rend the veil. God must do
everything for us. Our part is to yield and trust. We must confess, forsake, repudiate the self-life, and
then reckon it crucified. But we must be careful to distinguish lazy “acceptance” from the real work
of God. We must insist upon the work being done. We dare not rest content with a neat doctrine of
self-crucifixion. That is to imitate Saul and spare the best of the sheep and the oxen.
    Insist that the work be done in very truth and it will be done. The cross is rough, and it is deadly,
but it is effective. It does not keep its victim hanging there forever. There comes a moment when its
work is finished and the suffering victim dies. After that is resurrection glory and power, and the pain
is forgotten for joy that the veil is taken away and we have entered in actual spiritual experience the
Presence of the living God.

Lord, how excellent are Thy ways, and how devious and dark are the ways of man. Show us how to die, that we may rise again to newness of life. Rend the veil of our self-life from the top down as Thou didst rend the veil of the Temple. We would draw near in full assurance of faith. We would dwell with Thee in daily experience here on this earth so that we may be accustomed to the glory when we enter Thy heaven to dwell with Thee there. In Jesus’ name, Amen.