Being Real? Beans.

I jus' gotta be real. I'm in a place of decision. Where am I going, what do I want, will I give up my life for it? If I don't now, I can later, but the time...has been spent proving something I already know. Cut out the middleman and move direct.
What does my spirit want? More spirit.
What does my soul want? Satisfaction.
Where does the 'my' come into it? I am not my own, but I am governed by the hand of the one who made me. Have I not prayed 'not my will but yours be done'?
I am free to choose to run and play or stay and study, to hang with friends or work the fields. I am free to make up things to satisfy me or I can go to the source and find out what satisfies Him, because his heart's for me! What does he desire for me?! What magnanimous things! The dreams I've dreamt are all mine because He thought of them first! He dreamed them up! Travel? Yes! Alone? Probs not. Success? That idea is earthbound. Everything's life in God, so yes! There is no falling short and nothing missed because He has enabled me to do everything i want to do. It's just a matter of season.
My soul has been a runaway big dog, but now it is being trained, being pulled into line. I'll ignore it when I must, and apply discipline where there has been none.
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I don't know what to do. This a matter of doing or not doing, inaction. I keep invoking God to break this, destroy this, destroy me.. if I can just get closer to you, God. I'm dimly aware I'm speaking of mindsets and limitations, of the edges of my faith where God Almighty becomes this gray light in the mist. Write, cruise, teach, learn french, get a degree, get married, save the world. Break me to pieces, God. These questions are stupid and I don't think anyone knows me. Enough. To see something worthwhile....
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Here's a fissure between what I need and what I want. Not even what I want or desire, but what I want to do, like that's some big idea separate from God and his plans. What I need is God - I don't breathe without him. But taking him for granted like air, I have become accustomed to His mundane presence. ...
Something has changed lately, some sort of promise, flame, has come alive, so I'm at the cusp where the crunched up paper is giving up it's will to the sheer heat around it, the second where it drops it's last touch of moisture, the last defense, and lets go. There's an instant of transition there from what the paper was to what it will become, and that inevitably. Once in the fire you cannot come out unchanged.
I cannot worry about the future, what I will become, all I can do ever is trust that God is. He does what he says. It's not convincing myself he's real and reciting the things I've heard, none of this anymore. He just is. And I'm with him. That said, to worry about the future is to remove myself from him. It's like when you're on a spiritual high and you're experiencing the moving holy spirit as something you couldn't explain. You love it and want it to last forever but the second you think you might lose it it begins to dissipate and then you just sort of freefall out of it. But God and his presence are constant and consistent. We doubt that we can be high all the time because we spend so much time NOT high. But why aren't we high minded? If all my thoughts are stayed on God, am I not with him? Will the eyes of my heart not be opened to who he really is? If I'm willing to put off title, precedence, popular idea, and move with the spirit then I am with him. The emotional, semi-physical high is a sign of his presence, but the faithful don't need signs because they have Faith. They live on something else, yearn for something else, require something other.
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I believe in God, and that belief has no limits. I speak that which is not as if it were, in faith that it IS and is coming to pass. I don't care whether you believe in God or not. I'm  not going to argue with or convince you of anything. All I can do is witness what has happened in my life and how it could not have come any other way.  I could never help myself, I could never use witchcraft to achieve hopeful ends, I could never lift myself out of a hole I couldn't perceive. But God, life, love, grace, has lifted my head.
For all I complain (less and less), I am a Son of Faith, called in order to uphold and take on the robes of Righteousness, those tailored to suit this spirit. In assuming this position, I receive an eyesight that saves me daily from terror and destruction because it sees the heart of my Father: purpose in all things.

Amen Amen