Hopelift Hopelight
I want to make a wall of my future, or a
wall of dreams. Just something to look at and respond to, something to see and
recognize - Paris, Tibetan temple, Thai jungle (those are all places.?.). I
want to scuba dive and I want to grow, and I want to see and hear and be, just
be. I look forward to my father and his everloving, that I don’t have to set
myself on a course I perceive as hard and practical, where God’ll grow me
on the side, or God’ll grow me through it, but set a course on God – where
every step is into his heart, so every move is practical with wisdom, in growth by momentum, is MY heart because it’s into his eyes. Eat, pray, love; the Alchemist; the Prophet. Pursue
the spirit, leave your life to find something higher than your limited broken
heart. You’re empowered to rise above, to dive in deeper, to run to him. 21 Dec, 2011
I need to write about confession of self
and the ability to alienate, to disparage, to not give a damn, to sound like an
ass and be more than just okay with it. We need to speak. We need to be
heard and we need to have people who care. A god who's far away and sees everything I do, deeming one thing good and one thing bad, does me no good. A
god in a box is not what I need, and that god is far from me, literally and for
good. My God, the real one, is near unto me as my thoughts and breath, both of
which he adores. Melded of love and dust, He saw fit to call me good, to shape
me as I am, and to know me only as 'Son - part of me'. His eyes shine for me
and he's laid plans for me, plans I shuck or walk in, all to show he's still
good. 10 March, 2011
I had a dream with Joseph Gordon-Levitt
last night. He was sick, and I felt such affection for him that I went to give
him a hug. I pulled him close, and though normally he was a little
uncomfortable with contact or signs of affection, he pulled me close, too. I
got lost in that hug and something passed between us, we shared a connection.
We pulled apart (something stayed) and walked around with my hand around his
waist and his arm around my shoulder.
There was never anything gay about it. He was beautiful from his heart,
to his mind, to his dying body. There's more, but it's nonsense.
This is only worth talking about because
when I woke up, that connection was with
me. Like I was looking for him, expecting him to be the in the living room or
something. There is so little that is shared in life – experiences, emotions,
catharsis, but all of it’s so independent that it’s wasted. It gets added to
our pile of experience which sits in the backyard and rots so that nothing
really comes of it. To share IN someone, not to sympathize, or empathize, or pity,
but feel of them, to be moved by the spirit for growth and propulsion to a
shared goal (because we can’t actually cross borders). Is to be brothers, to be
one. To be fulfilled, and to have company. To be warriors together, to run the
race, to lift each other up. I’m missing something. The world gets caught up on
how it looks to be vulnerable, to be affectionate. I have ideas about
closeness with a man. But overwhelming love and affection- the willingness to
look past shortcomings at the potential, to see someone for what they are in
Christ and not who their personage is, is to look upon the face of God. I’ve
been inclined more than once to greet my brethren with a holy kiss – out of
respect, out of submission. But I haven’t, because that’s not done. Also,
I’ve thought more than once that gay inclinations are simply my capacity for so
great a love…that something something not to the exclusion of women something
blah blah Joseph Gordon-Levitt-connection still has me jittery.
As the ego dissolves into the arms of God;
the mind dissolves into the will of God. No longer trying to control your life
or make it work out in a particular way, you stop living and start being lived. You merge with a larger
purpose, the ‘bigger picture.’ You become the Way by getting out of the way.
If you knew where to find everything you
wanted, of course you’d go to it. Despite obstacles, obstructions, and even
your body’s obstinance, you would pursue the end until you had what you wanted.
When what you want and what you need become one you can live freely, because to
want what you need is be satisfied with little, and living simply is to live
within your means. 23 Jan, 2012
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