that android, steroid, poison chemical romance that's suction-pump gravity fueled pulled down through my breastbone into my gut where it mixes with boiling bile for 4 minutes, steeping and stewing until the moment I remember emotions are physical manifestation of my thoughts and I step back from me, seeing that once again my spirit animal went back to its base nature and that's okay.
i reach for you you hold my hand
i kiss you you don't kiss back
i'm not pissed but im nonplussed
and randomly confused
why are you not me ?
I . guess ? that's how this works?
i thought. ?
huh?
sometimes I think I'm human but being this close to somebody,
purusing pursuing them with different mindsets and bodyparts than I have before,
reminds me that I'm a pillar of light that has no business being small minded.
I'm sparks and bright to show share and birth
not something that needs a couple hands and kisses,
not a thing that lays quietly impatient and dormant while you pander about your cats and too-tight pants and endless funny but not-life youtube videos.
I disclose my fears and narrow eyesights in order to analyze them in a safe space and somehow you haven't told me to get the hell away yet. You're safe, are you?
Then you walk away without touching me and I'm unsteadied again,
reminded that who I really am is steady,
that rocking is merely imagined and I can join in on that fun like a swing, throwing myself into it and making it a fuckin rollicking good time -
If i want.
but a pillar of light eats sand (and sesame seeds for good measure)
and only requires other light to know how sure it is.
not new shoes or kudos for a job well-done.
It dreams of silent-heart retreats because the idea was dropped into its heart
and then it makes it happen, being changed into something bigger brighter and maybe a different shade colour hue tone frequency or sound in the process in the experience because
this experience is change
and we are not MEANT to stay the same
but TRANSFORMED into something someone somehow new that moves in lighter better brighter
faster stronger purer higher ways
I need you more than you need me and I think (with a very low energy) that opposites attract,
why I reach for you, et al.
and I can giggle because so much has happened to get me to this place today, trying to fit into some imagined box I didn't know I drew.
and only in two dimensions.
I didn't give that seed room to grow. too-small-pot for roots that need the garden I see when mountains and sun and rivers collide in the center of my forehead, the middle of my skull, the back of my throat, the core of my chest, the pit of my belly, the fire-red-fullness blue-bucking-bull around which I fold.
the garden whose walls are grown-over and in which blooms arise spontaneously wherever there's water and where animals roam true-to-form so I always say 'that's my favorite animal!'. where there's shade and sun and lightning strikes but only so certain special peculiar plants can arise because we need the wholeness in order to be whole.
In my spirit I'm tatted like a gang-member and armored up like a warlord,
everything a gift.
How do I not know myself a badass?
That's my problem:
I don't want to breakup or breakout with the justification: this isn't enough for the immensity and power that is me
for when I am quiet and breathing - i am breathing in - breathing - i am breathing out
all I see are iterations:
I am so I am I am because I am I am that I am
and it's a very dense thing
that crushes chains
and teaches birds what it's in their bones to know.
be who you are.
and I shall never . ever . settle.
No comments:
Post a Comment