Nano 2011 - Part I

This is the first installment of some stuff I wrote doing National Novel Writing Month in November '11.  I've waited a while to put it up because I wanted distance from the immersion I went through in the process. It's been refined, but most of it is still true to the original spirit.  Enjoy.


I straightened you out. I set you up on top of the highest buildings and taught you about flying. You insisted you were broken and you told me about falling. I tried to let you know that I thought of things first, but you insisted. We took the stairs down and the whole time you spoke of how tired your legs were.

Ha(t)r(e)d Ground

The hard ground is disobedient, disregarding,

distances itself, is displeasing and displeased,

is disgraced, distressed and unheeding,

disappointed and pointless, disapproving,

disallowing, disbelieving

and so disused.

It runs contrary to its nature, an abomination.

But for all things there is a season,

a time for every purpose under heaven,

and in the blink of an eye all will be transformed.

The soft soil permits permeation,

it's the soft soil that induces permutation.

The soft soil is permanently changing.

Perfect.

_________ 

­­

Assent and Ascent.

Affirmative, Affirmation,

Receive that sweet smell;

Growth, Belief, Pursuit, Reward,

where the reward is not an object

but a process.

Dissent and Descent.

Disagreement, Disbelief,

Deny the savour, lose the smell;

Fall, stop up, slow down, reword

where the Truth is not an absolute

but a compromise.

___________

You didn't reach out your dying hand,

You kept quiet.

I put you there and you just stayed,

You didn't fight.

You didn't cry

but I did.

You love me anyway;

You did it anyway.

I couldn't know what I was doing,

but you did.

___________

I am neither for you nor against you. I am turning you up, turning you on, powering you up for the purpose you were made.

 __________

I face my future self. He looks just like me, but he's sturdier, higher, kinder, gentler, founded. He's grown into a man of stature, of his nature. He's beautiful. I feel small in comparison. I hear his thoughts as he smiles at me. There's grace here. I am that man. My thinking is small and hindered, it's feeble and unimaginiative. How did I get from here to there? I allowed the spirit to flood in, to graft my mind with his own. To travel the currents, eddies and storms of the mind. It clarifies, simplifies. You give love, you can receive it. You give respect, you can receive it. You are objective, you can receive objectivity, even for yourself. Come up out of your head, Hans. Be feeling. The sensate is actually bigger than you, which is why it's ruled so long. It lives in another place, and your being rests in the physical where a thing starts and ends, has a cause and effect. God is and flows. An ocean full.

______________

Let Go

awareness.

you can see and hear

but don't go there:

you're free to dance and sing

because there's nothing to embarrass.

What is your liberty but the gargantuan capacity to enjoy

and do what you Will?

__________

Heart! (Future) Self! Me Inside! I need you. I can't do this on my own, but I know that my existence is written from the beginning. Where what how now and why?

I want a sign is what I want.

Ugh.

Look to where you want to be: eyes over the gap will flippin’ launch you toward the goal. You’re unlimited, much bigger than you thought. Stronger, more capable, unhindered. There's literally nothing in your way so run at it. 

Aaand my head’s clouding over.

My eyes are getting angry and my ears are trying to expel every patient thought - no music, no peace, because a storm’s rolling in. Green dark thunderheads filling the space between my ears. I haven't realized my body is a cavernous space for light to dwell. It’s my temple! Look at this! Fire! Lightning! How can you see into the future? Look into your heart because the future doesn't exist – only now exists. What I am at any given moment I have chosen to be. I am powerful, and not subject to circumstances I rise as a bird on the wind. Angels carry me to the heavens, inside, around and above. A new perspective and heaven is here.  Courts of Praise. I am with you, Papa. I adore you. I want this tattooed, the way you tattooed Faithfulness around my neck and Righteousness across my arms, the way you lit my eyes with Powerful Light. I see best in the light and you've given me a lot to look at.

 _______________

 

Without breaching our contract, I'd like to discuss my position in regard to you.  I have some questions.

Mostly when I consider how I can grow into you, I abandon hope. Not for growth, because I know I'll grow, but proper growth - the cultivated, fulfilling sort. You've brought me this far, and I think I appreciate it. Sometimes. I'm grateful at least - because I don't ever consider what my life might have been, I just wonder (and despair) where it's heading now. So.. Not to turn my back on you, that's not what this is for.

Hang on, just let me get this out.

I don't owe you anything because I owe you everything, so it's moot. But I want more. Not stuff (maybe security?)…I know I'm not for this world. I've been running up against where I question my man-ness because I don't have this or that (house, wife, career) and I consider what this life is for. The one you gave to Me. You didn't breathe life into this vessel to do what everyone is doing. I walk and find you. But picking up pieces like I'm collecting seashells is different from walking into you like an effervescent wind...wait, wait. I'm getting somewhere. So it's a question of rightness, which implies there's a wrong path. I know I'm solid because the know-what-I-know of you stands me up and pats my butt out the door. I desire to get my head over the smog; the earthly, gainful smoke that colludes your freshness. I am founded in you, and can walk simply free, simply being me. So, the things I thought you imposed on me, the ties that I felt were tying me to you are not real. Now, being absolutely liberated, and by my free will, I choose to bury myself inextricably from you.

I'm glad we had this talk.

_____________

I want to bottle my emotions: keep them in jars, color coded, and labeled neatly. This way I can study them, their onset, their lifespan, their strengths and dissipations. I hope to be published for it: The Premier Guide to Emotional Diatribes, Odious Attributes, and You. It'll be all about God and my highs and lows outside of him. One short chapter will be a summation of origin, purpose, control, domestication, distribution, and relocation of emotions in the Father. It will end with 'Happy Hunting!'