Nano 2011 - Part II

Nano Part II. Heart-born and super-random writings from National Novel Writing Month 2011.

I indulge in love and ecstasy because to partake of the bitter stuff is retarded. All I have is my presence (now!) with the Father. Why be elsewhere when He's all 'Come and Hang! We'll be awesome and shiny and play Halo, or Skyrim if that's more your thing. Then we'll play The Game of Things and go to the park and fall asleep on the grass. We'll start pouring a foundation because construction is REALLY COOL TO SEE  and really satisfying and then next time you can help. We'll plant some stuff, and we'll learn about light refraction and I'll show you how to see it and we'll talk to people and more people because everybody has so much light in them. I'm SO EXCITED TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU, I love you so much. It really never gets old. Even when you're pissed, I like just being with you. The fact that I can melt your heart doesn't hold a candle to the fact you let me."

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Who are you? What do you have? We want people to see and know us for who we are, but we don't consider ourselves likeable and so we make real the crap life that's in our heads. You are actually limitless. Without sin there's no space between you and God; do not leave room for unbelief to enter in. When you're one with Him there's opacity, and so capacity for all your dreams. He's the magic-mist that creates something from nothing. But He's always like that - it's you who chooses to spark the change. So be open, heart. Be loved, because you are. Tread surely because you're not alone or lost. If you find yourself outside of Him, get back in Him! He wants you and you want Him. He's not going to turn his face from one he loves; he's not a fickle man, he's a Spirit of Faith that all is in Him and all is Good. So go to those who have Him, those who stay in true faith longer than you do. Humble yourself (as in: don’t be proud) to say 'I am in need...' and He will meet you.

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I'm a fearsome beast, right?

Like, ferocious and virile.

I cause your adrenaline to pump

and I make you sweat a little.

Super strong, such strength, you think,

and you're right: I'm totally buff.

But I'm also a kitten,

a huge, sexy kitten,

like Jacob from Twilight but better

because I'm real.

Aawooooooo.

See what I did there?

We should totally date.

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Last week I had a hard day at work. Nothing and everything and all in my head, do or don't do, fix, fall, and fail. I wanted to die on my way home, the voice in my head granting me images of my gory demise. The latest instalment featured me slamming my head repeatedly into a cement wall, dragging my face across the gradation. Rather than succumbing to this, I pulled my knuckles over it as I walked. I felt the burning, pictured the tearing flesh, hoped I was leaving blood. Any of this better than destroying my face, my head, my life. I felt it, and didn't feel it, knowing that something other than my body was going through an experience. In ruining my knuckles I was trying to save myself, the lesser of two evils. But if I had voiced my concern, laughed in the face of fear, damnation and murder, I could have gone free. Satan is just that: finished.  He has no strength or form, is uncreative, and hides because he doesn't even have faith in himself. He thinks God'll fail; he's not quite sure. But God doesn't fail. He plans and executes His plans. When I don't believe He will, I side with the other and am antagonist to all my best interests, to the very spirit of life. But Grace and Love for this. I am not cocooned into loneliness or delusion. I am not disillusioned or inconstant. I am Strong and Mighty, Prehensile because God has told me beforehand what is coming for me: for my growth, for the unleashing of my potential, for the realization of what he made me to be. The Who He made me. To take on Christ and become Him.

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Aletha could have been entertaining, she had the wit for it, but she was only ever dour, and kind of spoiled things. Bernie was terrific with imitations and became a banker and pro-bono mime. Chan sat for hours alone in the library and became the local authority on dragons. Deanna ate her way through the candy machine's stale food and opened a Curves downtown. Effie published two scientific journals on the lifecycle of moss in Colombia, one book of poetry that was not well received, and four best-selling books of erotic fiction. Gerard was expelled from graduate school for a loss of composure in one of the labs and was later discovered to have an inoperable brain tumour.  Henri became a criminal lawyer and has two kids.  Irena got by for years stealing cars out of wrecking yards until she was caught, defended by Henri in court, and imprisoned on 12 misdemeanor counts for 8 years. Julio became a missionary to Ghana and lost a child to Typhoid. Karl started an alternative chemical-free food dye business with Lance and they were wildly successful until it was discovered their ingredients were mined from deposits of lard in east Germany that turned out to be mass graves. MaryAnn set up a federally subsidized make-up/self-improvement homecare project helping disabled lady-veterans in three states. Norman dresses up like an extra-gaudy flapper (among other things) and sings showtunes to sell-out crowds in the city. Ophelia was cast in a survivor reality tv show and became a semi-finalist but had to drop out because she got heat stroke in the desert challenge. Pennie broke both femurs in a championship roller derby and can't walk up stairs anymore. Quinn has a son and a small church on the west-end. Rose designs and sells her own shoes at a boutique on the Ave. Shanell was on that cruise ship that ran aground in the Bahamas a couple years ago.  Teal has been struck by lightning a record 8 times. Udell killed a family of four in a drunk driving accident and turned himself in. Victoria became a park ranger and stayed single. Weston died trying to scale the world's tallest tree. Xion is a Rabbi at the largest temple in the state. Zuette's actions directly assisted rescuers in the liberation of hostages when that terrorist cell took over the capitol.

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Pruitt, understand this: when I say you're bigger than that, I don't mean your size. When I tell you there's more to consider: try thinking outside of the box. When I tell you that you have the capabilities and capacity to do any and every single thing: believe me and ask how. When you are discouraged, you can still come to me. When I am discouraged, know that you can still come to me. Things aren't the way you think they are; they're much more than that - purer, stronger, and simpler. It's not your circumstances that move you, but your heart inside. I am True, and you and I are made in the same image, so you are True.

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   Dearly beloved, we spend our lives sitting on our hands and talking big talk. We do little to motivate those around us, and anyone who stands is odd. Anyone who begins to shake feeling back into his hands is seen as a rebel. Anyone who produces something with his hands is dangerous and should be feared.

   I followed the example of some of those free-handers, lifting and shaping, and it was incredible. I couldn't understand how I had been immobile for so long, but now the joy in the work! We sing together, and I grow strong. And then I wouldn't keep up with them anymore; they kept moving and producing and I stopped. I stopped walking and put my hands in my pockets. They keep going forward and I turn to the left and go that way. Hands subdued, but no longer dead, eyes opened, but hardly seeing, I come to a field and feel the glow of the sun. The tall grass sways and speaks in the gentle breeze. The furrow in my brow relaxes and I drop my tight shoulders, arms at my sides. I draw it in. Clean air, brilliant colour, the radiance of Life. I couldn't see it from my chair, I couldn't see it while I was labouring, but I can see what I can see now, just for now. It's lovely.

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I'm not too far from this, teary eyed and disobedient. I stand and listen for the rainclouds to come a-rumbling, though I never learned which clouds mean what. I've tuned out the taste of idiocracy and reach and gather for something a little stronger, nightshade, tiger lilies, Egyptian lilies. I'm a trumpeter swan, pounding beautiful notes of triumph and intrigue. I know where I'm going and I make up the next step up as I proceed. It's creative, it's unending. It can never be other than what it is, and here I find peace. You've turned your face to me and I see it in silhouette. You've a glorious, fire-made mane in this moment and again I remember being young and incited to riots - aloof under administration, poignant on my own. I came into bounds and lost something, and learned something, and am somewhere in between now, not lost but feeling like it, unsure and unsteady because everybody sides one way or the other. But I'm not like them, I'm not like you. I'm unlike anybody. Not a unique snowflake but something purposed. I've known it forever and I fought it and I tried to fit in and I lost my mind because I could never be what I am not. I know this now. So what's the frustration? I'm turning to a new master. and at a crux where I intentionally act upon the gracious heavensent life given me. I'm not a loser, I'm not gonna give up. My Truth has been written. My future is established. I walk and step in the footsteps before me.