I'm beginning to face,
(the part that turns)
beginning to face
the outer courts from the inner,
my home.
I glow, gold and bright blue,
Royal purple, and white -
all colors and so glory
in all of me.
I'm beginning to see
the truth and glory
of friction as perfection,
the recognition of pain,
frustration, anger, and fear
as particles just under the skin,
taken in, now passing.
This cleansing
my mind
be purified
i'm beginning to run
a race before the sun
for the prize, the glorious prize
every step and moment bring me to
that cup i desire, my lungs are on fire
but the prize, the glorious prize
for which i take no thought
of frustration, dread, and blood
because the prize, the glorious prize
before me the healing waters, the well,
the earnest expectation of that fulfilling
i could not find any place, oh, the places i've looked
for the prize, the glorious prize.
Seek my face, boy!
You've been in such pain;
just listen.
My love, you,
for you; yours.
Strength and security
not in the world
but in truth,
apart from the petty cares
of tomorrow.
9.28.2011
Close Encounters
Pop? What am I good for if it doesn't manifest in this life?
What are you looking at? How do you think it will appear?
Well, comparing myself with Ashley and her army buddies, I'd have nothing - Strength, confidence, problem solving abilities, courage? I haven't seen anything like that in me. So I want to show off my spiritualness: "Oh yeah? Well, you did this, this, and this, and watch this! *fire and ice show* I know right? Cool. See, I'm awesome." Whatever....... I only say that because I don't know how to resolve the thought.
If it's just you and me, what do I do? As me, for you, just cuz...? I'm still casting about for purpose.
What about people? I want them and deny them. How do I go where you would have me, when I consider so many ideas and small things important?
I want languages. I love speaking them - the alternatives to the things I know - their counterparts. Do I want to impress? Not really, not in this. I want to BE and LIVE as much with my English brethren as the Spanish, French, Norwegian...My tongue! Pop, I praise you, and these sounds roll and roll out of me until I Must say something my head can understand or prove, and the moment I do I think my words are small and impotent, always about what I know, and whining about what I want. But you, God, you have and give and serve. So I'm thankful. I am thankful. Sovereign and thankful. You didn't mess up anywhere.
...thanks. I'm afraid to ask for what I want. I don't know what I want, but I feel I've got to ask for something, so I ask for everything and don't expect any of it. I want the Wisdom of Solomon, but right now, spiritually imparted. BAM. What he must have walked through! What about Elisha?... What is valuable? Is it spiritual gifts? (tongues, prophecy, songs, interpretation of tongues) or wisdom? (practicalities of comings and goings for peace's sake) or giving/ a heart of charity? ... Love. I've been growing in love, and grace, but am waylayed when I consider I'm going the wrong way.
I know, but...
Ha. Thanks, dad.
Can you give me any direction?
Well, that's encouraging.
... I can't wait to be with you. I know you're now, but...the flesh...I think I'm different from other people because we each have our own bodies. Can I cross that boundary into fellowship? Reach the pool of spirit where we can all gather? And please, please settle me concerning marriage, even if it changes later.
Thank you.
I work.
If it's just you and me, what do I do? As me, for you, just cuz...? I'm still casting about for purpose.
You don't need to impress me - I already know you: skills, talents, knowledge. I made you 5'8 3/4 to hold everything you have, and that vessel is holding well. But I promise you, Hans, what's coming, what's for you, is exactly your heart, your need. I love you so much and walk with you as you desire to walk with me. I'm here, love. Rest. You think you need strength - I've fortified your heart. You want to be intelligent -you know how to hear. You want to think outside the box - pay attention to me! Let's build together; anything, all things. Break it apart and start again. Reform, retry, recreate until we're satisfied.
What about people? I want them and deny them. How do I go where you would have me, when I consider so many ideas and small things important?
You'll know. Clear your head and lean on me. Hear my voice.
I want languages. I love speaking them - the alternatives to the things I know - their counterparts. Do I want to impress? Not really, not in this. I want to BE and LIVE as much with my English brethren as the Spanish, French, Norwegian...My tongue! Pop, I praise you, and these sounds roll and roll out of me until I Must say something my head can understand or prove, and the moment I do I think my words are small and impotent, always about what I know, and whining about what I want. But you, God, you have and give and serve. So I'm thankful. I am thankful. Sovereign and thankful. You didn't mess up anywhere.
Same for you.
...thanks. I'm afraid to ask for what I want. I don't know what I want, but I feel I've got to ask for something, so I ask for everything and don't expect any of it. I want the Wisdom of Solomon, but right now, spiritually imparted. BAM. What he must have walked through! What about Elisha?... What is valuable? Is it spiritual gifts? (tongues, prophecy, songs, interpretation of tongues) or wisdom? (practicalities of comings and goings for peace's sake) or giving/ a heart of charity? ... Love. I've been growing in love, and grace, but am waylayed when I consider I'm going the wrong way.
I'm still here with you.
I know, but...
Hans, your blood is of a rare breed. You are something special. I made you to show the world my glory, because I'm the light. Be the light. Take on the light and be made new by it. You are beautiful and perfect, but more than that you are a chosen vessel. Don't be self conscious or insecure - what are you but mine? You speak what I've spoken. I love your songs, by the way.
Ha. Thanks, dad.
For sure. You're coming closer to me and I love it. Please draw more near so I might be more near! I've made plans for you and you're walking right into them.
Can you give me any direction?
Keep writing.
Well, that's encouraging.
Wait till you see what it produces.
... I can't wait to be with you. I know you're now, but...the flesh...I think I'm different from other people because we each have our own bodies. Can I cross that boundary into fellowship? Reach the pool of spirit where we can all gather? And please, please settle me concerning marriage, even if it changes later.
The flesh is for the eyes, it's for sacrifice, to judge, condemn, lose and loose. It's a complete picture and manifestation of all of me - the gifts, the balance, the symmetry. Live in me and receive all of it unto fellowship. And you don't need a wife at this time, so be settled. You aren't missing anything, promise.
Thank you.
Anytime.
9.27.2011
Unleash the Elephant
My sin
His song
my vice
his vision
my life
his love
my work
his walk
my small
his smile
my pride
his proud
turn
return
create again and again
play on a playground
recreate re-create
join hands, form bonds
sing songs of trust
fellowship flagship
of love -
this creative shipwright
has some big ideas
His song
my vice
his vision
my life
his love
my work
his walk
my small
his smile
my pride
his proud
turn
return
create again and again
play on a playground
recreate re-create
join hands, form bonds
sing songs of trust
fellowship flagship
of love -
this creative shipwright
has some big ideas
8.11.2011
A Stone's Thoreau
How you can overrun a country, climb any rampart, and carry any fortress, with an army of alert thoughts! - thoughts that send their bullets home to heaven's door - with which you can take the whole world, without paying for it, or robbing any body. See the conquering hero comes! You fail in your thoughts, or you prevail in your thoughts only.
If he is in love, he loves; if he is in heaven he enjoys, if he is in hell he suffers. It is his condition that determines his locality.
Cowards suffer, heroes enjoy.
How prompt are we to satisfy the hunger & thirst of our bodies; how slow to satisfy the hunger & thirst of our souls. Indeed we who would be practical folks cannot use this word without blushing because of our infidelity, having starved this substance almost to a shadow...Haven't we ourselves everlasting life to get? And isn't that the only excuse at last for eating drinking sleeping or even carrying an umbrella when it rains?
The whole enterprise of this nation which is not an upward, but a westward one, toward Oregon, California, Japan, &c, is totally devoid of interest to me, whether performed on foot or by a Pacific railroad. It is not illustrated by a thought, it is not warmed by a sentiment, there is nothing in it which one should lay down his life for, nor even his gloves, hardly which one should take up a newspaper for. It is perfectly heathenish - a filibustering toward heaven by the great western route. No, they may go their way to their manifest destiny which I trust is not mine.
Though it is late to leave off this wrong way, it will seem early the moment we being in the right way; instead of mid-afternoon, it will be early morning with us. We have not got half way to dawn yet.
These are the regions of the Known & of the Unknown. What is the use of going right over the old track again? There is an adder in the path which your own feet have worn. You must make tracks into the Unknown. That is what you have your board & clothes for. Why do you ever mend your clothes, unless that, wearing them, you may mend your ways? Let us sing.
If he is in love, he loves; if he is in heaven he enjoys, if he is in hell he suffers. It is his condition that determines his locality.
Cowards suffer, heroes enjoy.
How prompt are we to satisfy the hunger & thirst of our bodies; how slow to satisfy the hunger & thirst of our souls. Indeed we who would be practical folks cannot use this word without blushing because of our infidelity, having starved this substance almost to a shadow...Haven't we ourselves everlasting life to get? And isn't that the only excuse at last for eating drinking sleeping or even carrying an umbrella when it rains?
The whole enterprise of this nation which is not an upward, but a westward one, toward Oregon, California, Japan, &c, is totally devoid of interest to me, whether performed on foot or by a Pacific railroad. It is not illustrated by a thought, it is not warmed by a sentiment, there is nothing in it which one should lay down his life for, nor even his gloves, hardly which one should take up a newspaper for. It is perfectly heathenish - a filibustering toward heaven by the great western route. No, they may go their way to their manifest destiny which I trust is not mine.
Though it is late to leave off this wrong way, it will seem early the moment we being in the right way; instead of mid-afternoon, it will be early morning with us. We have not got half way to dawn yet.
These are the regions of the Known & of the Unknown. What is the use of going right over the old track again? There is an adder in the path which your own feet have worn. You must make tracks into the Unknown. That is what you have your board & clothes for. Why do you ever mend your clothes, unless that, wearing them, you may mend your ways? Let us sing.
8.09.2011
I Must Be
It's true, my love is an ocean.
And in beautiful/unsustainable typhoons I am open with unimaginable capacity. Drop into Me. Fall into and become one with me in wholeness, in all you are. This ocean you may quit, but it's within you - a respite, an engine, a strength, a ceaseless shaker and mover. Contract and move. Power forth and rest. Bum-Bum, bum-bum. Liive! Hear the ocean in your ears and know it's love's unending grace resounding back into you
You are formed by this energy and ever-arcing range of motion. Teem, soothe, seeth. The mind has been an island fortress, marring and polluting the eyes. If the eyes are darkened to see no light, how great is that darkness. This island, and all the light touches, is yours. Your kingdom has been taken by force and the enymy has sought to destroy all of it by fire. But by the same fire will they be consumed! Turn against them! Destroy the darkness!
By the power of the voice,
by the strength of the Lion Inside,
by the wind that moves you,
by the Sun who sees you,
by the love that envelopes you - Stand Firm!
You cannot lose this fight. It is sure. By the hope that sustains the moon and stars, be borne aloft, alight; here but otherwhere, for nothing can touch you in the hands of God.
I'll teach my children forever to hear the ocean in seashells. When they get old enough to question me and say 'It's really your heartbeat, dad.' I'll say, 'I know that; what do you think the ocean is?'
And in beautiful/unsustainable typhoons I am open with unimaginable capacity. Drop into Me. Fall into and become one with me in wholeness, in all you are. This ocean you may quit, but it's within you - a respite, an engine, a strength, a ceaseless shaker and mover. Contract and move. Power forth and rest. Bum-Bum, bum-bum. Liive! Hear the ocean in your ears and know it's love's unending grace resounding back into you
You are formed by this energy and ever-arcing range of motion. Teem, soothe, seeth. The mind has been an island fortress, marring and polluting the eyes. If the eyes are darkened to see no light, how great is that darkness. This island, and all the light touches, is yours. Your kingdom has been taken by force and the enymy has sought to destroy all of it by fire. But by the same fire will they be consumed! Turn against them! Destroy the darkness!
By the power of the voice,
by the strength of the Lion Inside,
by the wind that moves you,
by the Sun who sees you,
by the love that envelopes you - Stand Firm!
You cannot lose this fight. It is sure. By the hope that sustains the moon and stars, be borne aloft, alight; here but otherwhere, for nothing can touch you in the hands of God.
I'll teach my children forever to hear the ocean in seashells. When they get old enough to question me and say 'It's really your heartbeat, dad.' I'll say, 'I know that; what do you think the ocean is?'
Steadfast Romans
Rom 8:37 but in all these we more than conquer, through him who loved us;
Rom 8:38 for I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor messengers, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present,
Rom 8:39 nor things about to be, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of god, that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Amennnn. This is young's literal translation and I appreciate here how it doesn't pair bad&good, but identifies the things of life: prosperity and lackthereof, bringers of the word, powers that be, miraculous strength or violence, things at hand, or things about to be, neither barriers nor mysteries nor any building, creature, creation, or ordinance could possibly separate us from him. It doesn't say angels and demons, it says messengers and principalities (where angels don't have wings but feet and demons are anyone with authority).
I read an article about happiness and how the idea of happiness has changed over time, how it's always been abstract, and how only lately have we been entitled to it. So we are wronged or wrong when we're not feeling it, which brings us farther from it, ever-seeking and never attaining to it. It's always elsewhere so we refuse to just be and like where we're at and who we're with. We refuse to accept our circumstances even if they're just what we've been working toward for years. (where the journey gave a sense of purpose and anticipation - but we missed that because we were focused on the end...which ended up being unsatisfying. Suck major.)
Rom 8:38 for I am persuaded that neither death, nor life, nor messengers, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present,
Rom 8:39 nor things about to be, nor height, nor depth, nor any other created thing, shall be able to separate us from the love of god, that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.
Amennnn. This is young's literal translation and I appreciate here how it doesn't pair bad&good, but identifies the things of life: prosperity and lackthereof, bringers of the word, powers that be, miraculous strength or violence, things at hand, or things about to be, neither barriers nor mysteries nor any building, creature, creation, or ordinance could possibly separate us from him. It doesn't say angels and demons, it says messengers and principalities (where angels don't have wings but feet and demons are anyone with authority).
I read an article about happiness and how the idea of happiness has changed over time, how it's always been abstract, and how only lately have we been entitled to it. So we are wronged or wrong when we're not feeling it, which brings us farther from it, ever-seeking and never attaining to it. It's always elsewhere so we refuse to just be and like where we're at and who we're with. We refuse to accept our circumstances even if they're just what we've been working toward for years. (where the journey gave a sense of purpose and anticipation - but we missed that because we were focused on the end...which ended up being unsatisfying. Suck major.)
6.16.2011
God on down
I've been having a writing itch, something I haven't felt for a while.
Put me down, lay it out: reorganize, tie together, make it work; straighten out this headcase masterpiece.
I am elated by Jason - the fulness of his person, the soundness of his character, the depth of his realness. Plus he's honest, so he's got that going for him. and nice eyes. just knowing him humbles me because he's such an Iconic sort of guy. I realized today I try not to think about him much so I don't get too excited or too invested: what if we don't see each other again forever, or ever, or if I do something to drive him away? Unlikely, that. But I'm not responsible for keeping him, the same as I'm not responsible for getting him in the first place. I don't want Heidi to be responsible for bringing this person into my life, this happiness ... I was bitter about this earlier but now it's just unfounded and whiny. I didn't want her to be able to say because of her I have something good. why? anyway...
this led me to the realization that I've never been responsible for any good thing in my life: that's all god. But, conversely, all the bad things are my fault, for which I must be held responsible and justly punished. So, on me all the bad and none of the good, which totally justifies my saying with frequency in high school 'it's tough being me'. Sure as hell it was. is. sometimes. Isn't, really.
I am finding my way through this mess of faith-knot. The spirit of whatever I can't seem to shake, the one that ties me to ... youth, mother, naivety, childishness, laziness, lust, powerlessness ... I believe that isn't me. A word from a brother tonight: "You are full of Grace, and confusion, but Grace is more than enough. You've more than enough Grace." So amen.
Who can I touch? and what shall I fear? I still cannot consider 'who is my father, who is my mother..' without heaviness. boy. it's not a heavy heart, it's more like shame. I walked head-on into a god I could love and touch, and I let something small and untrue run me away from that one real and tangible god. go back? not now, not yet, those people, that weather, those circumstances... please, I'm a pariah. 'No doubt if he was of us he'd still be with us.' and that's the end of that. But grace. and not just NIV grace, but real, full-bodied lavish-you-with-love/glory/honor-grace again. but how can I move forward? to where? that god's still here, with in of and before me, he never left me though I tried to leave him. But I did receive the word 'if you move forward from here, it will be with a hardened heart.'
I left before my time, with no faith and no vision. where there is no vision the people perish, says the plaque above the boob-tube in front of me.
I love you, can't you tell? I lavish myself upon you and you think I'm actively despising you.
But I cannot forget Alaska and the things I learned there.
Then don't.
I believe them and know they're true, but chose to leave and not do them. So..I don't believe them and don't think they're true. Now I'm trying my own thing utilizing standards from a past life... the very life I would choose for my children if I would know their hearts were free... and the two cannot be reconciled. One is sure and won't vary or budge, the other has no definition and leaves every aspect up to me. WHO AM I, THEN, TO ORCHESTRATE MY HAPPINESS?! Uh, that would be God. Hi, I'm God almighty, and proud of it. Usurper to the throne, son of perdition. Hot damn, I've got a good thing here. But grace! Grace to re-turn... I only see that as returning to Alaska. Heidi asks if my time there was good for me, I say 'not really' because I cannot answer her earth-bound questions with Truth. I'm in a hell of my own devising - so where do the 'good days' come from?
Put me down, lay it out: reorganize, tie together, make it work; straighten out this headcase masterpiece.
I am elated by Jason - the fulness of his person, the soundness of his character, the depth of his realness. Plus he's honest, so he's got that going for him. and nice eyes. just knowing him humbles me because he's such an Iconic sort of guy. I realized today I try not to think about him much so I don't get too excited or too invested: what if we don't see each other again forever, or ever, or if I do something to drive him away? Unlikely, that. But I'm not responsible for keeping him, the same as I'm not responsible for getting him in the first place. I don't want Heidi to be responsible for bringing this person into my life, this happiness ... I was bitter about this earlier but now it's just unfounded and whiny. I didn't want her to be able to say because of her I have something good. why? anyway...
this led me to the realization that I've never been responsible for any good thing in my life: that's all god. But, conversely, all the bad things are my fault, for which I must be held responsible and justly punished. So, on me all the bad and none of the good, which totally justifies my saying with frequency in high school 'it's tough being me'. Sure as hell it was. is. sometimes. Isn't, really.
I am finding my way through this mess of faith-knot. The spirit of whatever I can't seem to shake, the one that ties me to ... youth, mother, naivety, childishness, laziness, lust, powerlessness ... I believe that isn't me. A word from a brother tonight: "You are full of Grace, and confusion, but Grace is more than enough. You've more than enough Grace." So amen.
Who can I touch? and what shall I fear? I still cannot consider 'who is my father, who is my mother..' without heaviness. boy. it's not a heavy heart, it's more like shame. I walked head-on into a god I could love and touch, and I let something small and untrue run me away from that one real and tangible god. go back? not now, not yet, those people, that weather, those circumstances... please, I'm a pariah. 'No doubt if he was of us he'd still be with us.' and that's the end of that. But grace. and not just NIV grace, but real, full-bodied lavish-you-with-love/glory/honor-grace again. but how can I move forward? to where? that god's still here, with in of and before me, he never left me though I tried to leave him. But I did receive the word 'if you move forward from here, it will be with a hardened heart.'
I left before my time, with no faith and no vision. where there is no vision the people perish, says the plaque above the boob-tube in front of me.
I love you, can't you tell? I lavish myself upon you and you think I'm actively despising you.
But I cannot forget Alaska and the things I learned there.
Then don't.
I believe them and know they're true, but chose to leave and not do them. So..I don't believe them and don't think they're true. Now I'm trying my own thing utilizing standards from a past life... the very life I would choose for my children if I would know their hearts were free... and the two cannot be reconciled. One is sure and won't vary or budge, the other has no definition and leaves every aspect up to me. WHO AM I, THEN, TO ORCHESTRATE MY HAPPINESS?! Uh, that would be God. Hi, I'm God almighty, and proud of it. Usurper to the throne, son of perdition. Hot damn, I've got a good thing here. But grace! Grace to re-turn... I only see that as returning to Alaska. Heidi asks if my time there was good for me, I say 'not really' because I cannot answer her earth-bound questions with Truth. I'm in a hell of my own devising - so where do the 'good days' come from?
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